How Does That Work, Exactly?

I'm sure you're wondering what it's like to be the 'other woman' in this relationship.  I'll address that in a future posting.  For now, I'll give you a glimpse into how things work in general in our home. 

Ultimately, we're just family. A team working together for the greater good of the individual and as a whole.  

Everybody plays nicely together, practicing common courtesy, respect and generosity of spirit on a daily basis.  We genuinely like each other and seek out opportunities to engage and connect, gravitating towards one another for companionship and conversation.  It's not uncommon for us to walk in the door after work, get involved in conversation or activity and never even make it upstairs till almost midnight.  I am always amazed at how much living we can pack into a 24 hour period! 

Because there are three adults, we have additional resource, starting with manpower.  A typical two parent household finds the adults working full time and coming home to an evening filled with more chores than relaxation. Charles and Marie handled all of this successfully for many years before I arrived on the scene; however, the addition of another adult in the home provides us with not only an additional team player, but additional perspective as well. This means more hands to accomplish any given task, which in turn allows for more relaxation time for all.  It also enables each of us to grow individually, with one more set of eyes to offer insight when resolving any conflicts that might arise.  

Charles is our relationship advocate and guides us in all things related to our interpersonal growth.  He is dedicated to helping us grow individually, strengthening our 'heart muscles' and building a strong, cohesive family unit. His message is one of giving our best to one another, and he actively promotes this not only with wise words and sincerity of heart but most importantly by example.  He does an amazing job of making each of us feel valued, loved and appreciated, striving to give us exceptional, personalized care.  Kindnesses are promptly acknowledged and issues are also immediately addressed, even when it's not convenient.  Sometimes this means we lose sleep and are up till 4 in the morning to work it out, and yes, the discussion can get heated at times; love requires passion. When it's all said and done, we either resolve it or 'agree to disagree'; however, we make a habit of sticking with it until we can leave the room with a hug and an 'I love you'. That's important - this and the leadership provided by Charles is a key factor in allowing us to build strong relationships instead of 'co-existing' or merely tolerating one another.  

Charles is also our chief resource for the latest movies, music, podcasts and games, and invests extra time and effort to bring us new items targeted to our individual interests.  Before we became caught up in our smartphones, every Thursday evening would find him searching for fresh music for the family, to make our Fridays special.  This could take hours to find just the right song or a particular request from one of us, but he viewed it as a labor of love. Another example of his personalized care!

Marie is passionate about health and not only enjoys preparing tasty recipes, but also encourages us to engage in more physical activity.  She has helped us eat better, pushing whole and organic foods, and we appreciate her for it.  I cook occasionally, but actually prefer acting as sou chef, cutting up vegetables and getting things ready.  After she and I experimented with a few different cooking schedules, we agreed upon this current arrangement, and it works well for both of us.  After dinner, we put on music and everyone pitches in to clean up the dishes. We purposely draw this chore out, since singing together is one of our favorite pastimes!  Charles and Sid in particular have exceptional voices and the effect of their harmonizing is quite beautiful.

Two hands are better than one!

Marie is also the force behind our successful finances and the queen of researching and finding a good price on vacations, home repairs and more. She recently spearheaded a campaign to have our basement refinished, which has given us a dedicated space to use the treadmill and Kinect - this helps motivate us to exercise more frequently. We share one household bank account, with all funds pooled.  The budget Marie has created includes stipends for gas, groceries, fast food and fun - but most notable is the fact that each of us has an allowance.  We all discussed and agreed on this arrangement, and because we are each careful to respect it - it has not been a problem.  In fact, there seems to be extra money at the end of each month, due to Marie's strict management and everyone's respectful adherence to it.  This includes Charles. You might think him the head of the household, and he is - but our nickname for Marie is "Little Big Boss" for a reason!

Myself?  These two were highly functional when I joined them, so for now - my role has been to cover those areas where each of them needed a little More. For instance, Marie prefers to work with things she can touch. Details, factors and numbers.  Her world view is focused on the home, so she's not the one to engage in long philosophical conversations or necessarily know what's going on in the news.  Charles on the other hand, is highly attuned to the metaphysical and a broader perspective on life.  He'll notice subtle things, like your body language, and be able to read your feelings.  He's also keenly interested in any number of subjects and delights in speaking passionately about them.  

Between her Yin and his Yang - I am neither, and both.  Like Charles, I'm a night owl and love to get involved in deep conversations.  My care for him in this way is unique, as Marie isn't much for such matters and tends to go to bed at a much more reasonable hour. He and I keep company till the wee hours of the morning, talking, sharing space, sometimes while on separate computers or while playing an xbox game.  It's easy and comfortable. Downtime for the soul. However, he doesn't care much for clothes-shopping, yoga, girl talk and the like!  This is where I come in, but not just for fun stuff; she and I also work in the garden, build furniture, paint and manage the household together. We live with three men, Charles and two teenage boys, so having a live in 'sister' and friend to do these things with is an added bonus for Marie!  She's not my wife, but she is my best friend.  We work very well together, and have all but surpassed the limitations of jealousy and insecurity that one might expect. Negativity gets old, fast.  When Charles helped us to realize that, we started learning how to be better to one another...something that a lot of women could use help with.

But Charles isn't the only one to help with relationships: even though they'd been happily married for nineteen years when I met them, my presence has helped them both fine-tune their connectivity, acting as a moderator and giving input when it comes to working out conflicts.  They tell me they are happier and more in love with each other than ever! That's pretty impressive, given our situation.

As I stated, The Dashings have children, all teenagers or older now.  I'll talk about relating to the kids in another posting.  For now, I just wanted to talk about the daily interaction between three adults, our polyfidelitous triad.  As you can see, it's different, but not so different from the way most two parent households operate.  We just have more resource.

This is how it works.  There are no magic formulas, just positive, giving hearts; we all reap the benefits by giving our best to one another. 

Love given = Love mutliplied.


Rika

"God's dream is that you and I and all of us will realize that we are family, that we are made for togetherness, for goodness, and for compassion."  Desmond Tutu

Top 10 Memories of 2012

2012 was a great year for us! We grew closer together as a family and created a lot of wonderful memories.  Below are a few of my favorites:

For a description of the people and relationships mentioned below, see Charles' blog, Test Life.

· Dinner and a Movie with Charles and Marie.  This was one of our first 'official' dates as a trio. Charles found a delightful little movie called 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel', (It's not what you're thinking! Click here to see the trailer) and treated Marie and I to an evening out.  He was charming and sweet, sitting between us at the theater, holding our hands.  The perfect gentleman.

· Seeing Avengers with family and close friends.  Dr. J and Steph had arrived ahead of us at the movie theater, and when we walked in to a packed out audience, they surprised us by having set up ‘reserved’ seats, complete with signs that bore the family name.  We felt like celebrities as we walked right in and sat down, people whispering and wondering ‘who’ we were!  The movie was absolutely one of the best we saw all year long, and the extra effort and attention our friends invested made the experience very special.

· A Walk in the Rain with Marie.  She and I were helping Sid get set up in his own apartment close to college, and wanting to check out the surrounding area, we ended up taking a walk on a nearby residential street.  It started raining softly, and somewhat to our dismay, we discovered that we shared a small umbrella between the two of us.  As you can imagine, this was not very conducive towards keeping us dry! We had a lovely time anyway, commenting on the beautiful houses and landscaping, laughing as we dodged the raindrops.
· An Evening at Home with the Boys.  While Charles and Marie were out on a romantic date together, Sid, Kaz and I had a fun evening at home, watching You Tube, talking and eating snacks.  They are quite entertaining, and took turns telling me silly stories, seeing who could make me laugh the hardest! We were still giggling when Charles and Marie came home later that night.  Although I'm not their birth mother, the boys and I get along well and I adore them.  (This is very important to Charles and Marie, who took great care to acclimate everyone.)

· Outdoor Movie - Speed Racer.  This was held at Dr. J's house on an outdoor projection screen, our very own 'drive-in'!  Speed Racer is not only a family favorite, but is also special to Isa, who was visiting from out of town.  In addition to the usual refreshments, popcorn and candy, Charles had coordinated a very special ending to the evening.  At the time, Isa and Sid were romantically inclined towards one other; during the final scene - where Speed kisses Trixie after he wins the race - Sid managed to shadow the moment, surprising Isa by dipping her back to give her a sweet kiss!  We all erupted in cheers, with sparklers and fireworks!  If you've seen the movie, you understand how magical that moment was.

· My Dad meeting Charles and Marie for the first time.  Separate meetings, but both went exceptionally well.  My dad is a man of deep faith and although he does not condone my lifestyle choice, he demonstrated nothing but love, warmth and acceptance of Charles and Marie.  He and my stepmom have a very nice pool table in their basement, and in addition to great conversation, there was plenty of friendly competition as they shared a few pool tricks with us.  We left with hugs,smiles and promises to return soon.

· Mexican Dinner with Charles and Marie.  Marie and I have a favorite Mexican restaurant we visit occasionally.  Recently we invited Charles to join us, and thoroughly enjoyed some good-natured laughter and teasing as we clued him in to the silliness that happens when she and I have a girl’s night out!  I think after he experienced all that giggling he was ready to go back to his Xbox gaming, lol!

· Family Fun All-Nighter.  Recently we went on a family vacation to Florida.  Marie is awesome at finding great deals, and had secured a lovely rental home, complete with a game room and outdoor, heated swimming pool.  She and I flew down early to get things set up, and when the boys arrived later that evening, the whole family stayed up till the wee hours of the morning, playing ping-pong, classic arcade games and splashing around in the pool.

· Laser Light Show at Disneyworld.  Standing closely together as a family in a packed out crowd, viewing the spectacular laser light show, Celebrate the Magic, displayed upon Cinderella’s Castle at Disney World.  It was enchanting, gorgeously done and a fitting end to the trip.

· Ghost-Hunting with Charles.  On a weekend trip to a nearby city with Charles and Marie, we stayed at a hotel that was rumored to be haunted.  Marie was tired and decided to go to bed, but Charles and I took the opportunity to indulge in our shared interest of the supernatural. We woke at 4am and set out for adventure.  Holding hands and whispering excitedly, he and I explored every inch of the grounds.  We asked questions of the night staff, crept quietly down deserted hallways, peeked into empty conference rooms, and sat together on dark stairwells, all in hopes of meeting up with the ghostly apparition.  It was raining that night as well, which of course added to the atmosphere! We never did find our ghost, but it created quite an unusual impromptu date. I shouldn't be surprised - after all, that's one of Charles' specialties!

This last year allowed for these and many other adventures.  Not only have I grown through these new experiences, but my heart and way of seeing the world has evolved as well.  If the past is any indication of the future, 2013 will bring only More of all the best things in life!  An investment in Love.

Rika

"This is a new and different world.  The challenges to cope with it, and not just cope - but thrive."  
"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it, only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws." 
Evelyn, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Love for the Win!

                                                                                 

Something to Celebrate

                                                               

The Value of More

If you've read my complete profile, you've discovered that I am in a rather unusual relationship.  One defined as polyamorous fidelity, or poly-fidelity.  Urban Dictionary defines this term as 'a relationship structure of 3 or more individuals who have no sexual or loving connections outside the group'.  In other words, I am faithful and committed to my poly relationship.

It's been close to three years, and challenging at times, but it's also unequivocally the single most dynamic and rewarding commitment I've ever made.  I would choose this lifestyle, this family, again and again, over a more traditional relationship.

It means having not one, but two best friends, Charles and Marie, who share constructive criticism and positive feedback from both a male and female perspective.  They know and understand me, hold me accountable for my actions, and unconditionally and selflessly support my individual growth. We have all benefited by having the extra pair of eyes and the additional shared insight we give to each other.

It means being part of a team.  We work together regarding household duties, finances, relationships and parenting.  It means not having to be alone. Someone is usually awake at our house and willing to engage in conversation, go to a movie, or simply hang out with.  Our place is rarely quiet, and stays filled with the cheery buzz of interaction and connectivity.  

In Charles, I've found a man of character, strong values and a beautiful, tender heart who has renewed my belief in honest, real love, by keeping every one of the promises he has made to me from day one.  It is not uncommon for us to get caught up in philosophical discussions on a variety of subjects, sharing ideas and insights. He gently pushes me to be better and has helped me grow in countless ways.  He leads by example and treats both Marie and I with courtesy, chivalry and playfulness, while guarding our home, hearts and family with fierce protectiveness.

Marie has a warm and generous heart, helps me eat healthier and is a live-in sister/girlfriend with whom to indulge in clothes shopping, chick flicks and just plain silliness.  One of our favorite past times is making the boys of the household laugh with our nonsense.  We share a common bond in the fact that we are both in love with the same man, which means she is a valuable resource when I need advice on my own relationship with Charles.  Our unique situation gives the three of us the chance to act as a mediator for one another when dealing with our interpersonal relationships within the whole.  

A non-traditional relationship, yes, but in the simplest of terms, a loving family and strong support system. 

For a closer look at the members of our family, please visit the following link: Test Life, written by Charles.

More to Love. 

Rika

This video is a little racy, but it represents the spirit and playfulness of More when handled by generous, giving hearts.