Is The Glass Half-Full or Half-Empty?

Most people who know me would say I see the glass as half-full.  

While acknowledging that others may not have been afforded the same opportunities as myself....

I will be the first to admit - my life is ridiculously awesome. 

I do not live in a bubble.  There are shadows that occasionally attempt to blur my vision.  The timing of these cloudy moments is not something I can control.  However, granting the power for these to emotionally cripple me or to chase them away with factual logic - is up to me.

Being positive isn't intrinsic to human nature.  It's not something you blindly rush into, regardless of circumstances.  It's a choice, made after careful consideration of all factors involved.  The following are tried and true coping mechanisms I have developed over the years.  These may or may not work for you, but they are excellent methods of weeding out negative thoughts.

> Make a list of the qualities and characteristics you like about yourself, your life.  These can range anywhere from the fact that you have a great smile or that you love the car you drive.  Read this list often and refer to it when you feel yourself feeling less than content with life.

> Connect with friends or loved ones.  Spending time with others takes your mind off of your troubles and helps you forget the reason you were ever down in the first place.

> Do something nice for someone.  Demonstrate kindness to others.  Besides the obvious benefit to the recipient, this is a guaranteed way of giving you a more optimistic outlook.

> Look for the positive.  Remember the 'I Spy' game you played as a child?  Instead of 'I spy something green', replace it with, "I spy something positive".  Once you focus your attention towards it, you'll find it's all around you.

> Rationalization.  This simply means recognizing how circumstances could be worse.  For example:  "I may not be where I want to be in my career, but at least I have a job in an uncertain economy."  Practicing this tactic has a remarkable way of bringing things into perspective.

> Take a walk.  Exercise is a fantastic way of clearing your mind and has been proven to regulate chemicals in our brains which promote feelings of well-being.

> Don't take things for granted.  Life is fleeting - what is in our hands today may be gone tomorrow.  Understand and appreciate what you have in the Now.

> Play a favorite upbeat song.  Music has a way of improving your mood and lifting your spirits.  One of my 'go to' songs is Armen Van Buren's 'Going Wrong'.  It's an anthem about moving forward with life despite not knowing the outcome.

Life is too short to waste time on being pessimistic.  The old adage rings true, "Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you react to it."  

The choice is yours.

Rika

Armen Van Buren - Going Wrong (Lyrics below)

Yea, I keep dreaming
That I have it all
Ooh, I'm still craving
To have you by my side

I know our love is fading
But soon it will shine

And I can't see today
And I can't see tomorrow
You're burning out my head
And in my brain it's going wrong

And I will live today
And I will love tomorrow
No matter what is said or done
Even if it's going wrong

Even if it's going wrong 
You're burning out my head

I keep searching
Forever in your eyes
I'll be careful
But soon we will shine

And I can't see today
And I can't see tomorrow
You're burning out my head
And in my brain it's going wrong

And I will live today
And I will love tomorrow
No matter what is said or done
Even if it's going wrong

Even if it's going wrong 
You're burning out my head

Even if it's going wrong

You're burning out my head
And I can't see today
And I can't see tomorrow 

You're burning out my head
And I will live today
And I will love tomorrow
No matter what is said or done
Even if it's going wrong

Just Calling It Like I See It

Despite our good intentions to present the better part of ourselves, human nature can sometimes get the best of us.  I certainly don't have all of the answers and am still learning some of these lessons myself.  The following are not intended to imply that I qualify myself as an authority to judge others.  They are simply observations I have made based upon my own life experiences.

On Happiness vs. Joy:

Happiness is determined by external factors and is somewhat temporary.  A person may consider themselves happy when circumstances coincide with what they want or think they deserve.  When things don't go as planned; however, that 'happy' feeling fades and is replaced by negativity.  

Joy doesn't require a specific formulated environment to be present.  It is a state of mind and attitude - internal and constant.  

On Being Fulfilled:

Take ownership of what brings you fulfillment and learn to generate your own positivity.  Making someone else responsible for your own happiness is unreasonable and selfish.  Blaming others for your poor attitude puts a continual drain on those around you and leads to resentment.  

On Character:

An excellent litmus test for determining someone's character is to gauge their reaction when they don't get their way.  Adverse circumstances have a remarkable way of revealing someone's true nature.

On Negativity:

Don't complain about the same problem repeatedly.  People are usually willing to listen sympathetically and give advice about a legitimate concern.  If you choose not to take that advice; however, it becomes wearisome to go through the cycle of rinse.wash.repeat.  If you can fix it, do so, otherwise you are being socially abusive to those that tolerate your negativity.  

On Giving:

Giving to others from abundance or while benefiting from it becomes a matter of convenience, not generosity.  Being unselfish requires sacrifice.

On Relationships:

Respect, trust and love should never be taken for granted.  They must be earned.  To maintain the privilege to keep them, it requires dedication and commitment.

It is easy to say I love you, but the demonstration of that love through daily actions speak louder than any words ever could.

On Women vs. Men:

In an argument, a girl that resorts to crying is the equivalent of a guy losing his temper.  Both are coping mechanisms, yet our society feels sorry for the girl and penalizes the guy.

There is no difference between a girl going on a date with a guy expecting him to  entertain her, and a guy eating a home-cooked dinner the girl made and not offering to help clean the dishes.  Both take the other person for granted by contributing nothing.

Women demand the same equal rights as men, but resort to using the excuse of "I'm just a girl" when it fits their agenda to be selfish and not step up to the plate.

On Conditional Love:  

Others tend to love you as long as you fit their idea of who or what you should be or if they don't feel like your personal growth is somehow detracting from their own success. It is a selfish love that insists on boxing you in to conform to their own limitations and fears. 

I believe a truer measure of real love is when someone encourages your fulfillment at the risk of you potentially outgrowing the relationship.  It is fortunate indeed if you find someone who strives for their own growth as well as encouraging you in your own - this leads to a more balanced and fulfilling relationship for both of you.

On Personal Beliefs:  

For most people, their chosen faith is based upon what their parents believed and the geographical location they grew up in.  Life experiences may or may not change their view. Regardless of influences that led them to their choices, everyone is entitled to their own personal perspective.  It is important to understand the difference between acknowledging our individual opinions and attempting to coerce or influence others to accept our beliefs as their own.  You can preach at someone all you like, but unless they believe what you say in their heart, your efforts are wasted and become more about your ego than any desired conversion.

I don't profess to be associated with any particular faith, however:

I believe

in common courtesy, decency and respect for all mankind.

I believe 

in treating others the way I would like to be treated.

I believe 
in giving people the benefit of the doubt, until they prove they aren't worthy.

I believe

in doing the right thing, even when no one is around to acknowledge it.

I believe

in not toning myself down to make others more comfortable with their own failures.

I believe

in not letting my fears define who I am.

I believe

you should keep trying until you succeed.  If you don't, you'll always regret it.

I believe 

that appreciating what I have is crucial to maintaining a positive attitude.

I believe 

that being an excellent caretaker of what I have been given leads to being given more.

I believe
that while life is not always easy, it is always worth it.
I believe
that something worth having is worth the risk it requires to obtain it.
I believe
that when things get hard, you set your mind and keep going.
I believe
that everything you experience teaches you something, if you are willing to learn.

I believe
people can change the world, even if it is only one persons world.
I believe
this state which we call life is a beautiful gift.

Rika

**The below video is of a favorite instrumental remix.  This young man is very talented - this particular piece leaves me feeling positive every single time.  Enjoy!**

Red Lemonade Remix - Ronald Jenkees

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.”  -Martha Washington

"Life is what you make it.  Always has been, always will be."  -Eleanor Roosevelt

Keeping it Real

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Although I tend to wax philosophical and engage in serious discussion, the truth is, I prefer the light-hearted side of things.  I enjoy being silly and making people laugh.  There have been times in the past where I've been criticized for being a little too bubbly or laughing a little too loudly.  Others have openly resented that my positive outlook on life doesn't mesh with their own negative attitude.  Admittedly, I do see the glass half-full, because I sincerely believe there is always something to be thankful for, if you take the time to look closely enough.  That doesn't mean I am unaware of the horrific events that happen in the world all around me - reading about these things can make me physically ill.  I am profoundly grateful for the fact that thus far, my life has remained untouched by such stories of tragedy and despair.

My previous posts have outlined the positive aspects of my poly-relationship - we work diligently to invest in each other in a meaningful way.  Leaning in and connecting to one another helps us avoid some of the pitfalls that might befall us if we chose to take each other for granted.  It doesn't mean we haven't dealt with some challenges, it's just that we choose to not let them defeat or destroy us.  Instead, we allow these situations to strengthen us, by using them as opportunities for growth.

As children, each of us hopes for unconditional love and acceptance of our truest self.  As we grow older, we realize that despite our best attempts to cohabitate peacefully on this earth - there are those who allow their differences and ignorance of perspective to limit their hearts and dictate their actions.  The harsh reality of being faced with the limitation of someone's love can sting.

You see, it's not that I have a Pollyanna perspective - I simply choose to live in the Now.  There are things and situations that I cannot control; however, I can certainly determine my own attitude in how I react to unforeseen events. I refuse to let someone else color who I am, what I should be, or who I should love.  I will not allow them to paralyze my joy in all the good things that uplift my life!  As Charles says, "Never apologize for love."

I recently 'came out' to a friend at work, who met my confession with support and acceptance.  Although my workplace is pro-Lifestyle Diversity and has a zero tolerance policy of discrimination of any type, this decision was not made lightly.  After careful consideration and in-depth research, I will also be opening up to my supervisor and co-workers about the truth of my poly-family.  For three years, they have believed I have a regular 'boyfriend', and my conversations about home life have been limited to Charles and the boys. That's not fair or respectful to Marie.  Furthermore, toning myself down to fit someone else's perception of 'normal' leaves me feeling dishonest.  I am fully aware this will result in criticism and questions.  If I ultimately find myself socially rejected, I am prepared to accept it.  My self-confidence is not linked to what others think of me, nor is my happiness dependent upon external factors.

I gladly give others the right to their own beliefs and lifestyles, but I draw the line when those same people try to dictate my own choices for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  I believe in who I am and my poly relationship down to the very core.  It's my family structure. These days, the family can be comprised of many different configurations of numbers, gender, sexual orientation and race.  In a society where over fifty percent of Americans consider their pet as part of the family, I refuse to let my own idea of family structure be determined by someone else's viewpoint.

This is who I am.  I've been given one life and I insist on owning it.

Rika

Mary J. Blige, feat. U2 - One (Lyrics Below)

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say one love, one life (one life)
It's one need in the night
One love (one love), get to share it
Leaves you darling, if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late, tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Well, did I ask too much, more than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got
We're one, but we're not the same
Well we, hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law
You ask me to enter
Well then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and my
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One love

On The Up Side

The news these days is filled with reports of violence, oppression and poverty. In the midst of these daunting obstacles, you will find individuals whose indomitable spirit compels them to be a voice for change.

Below are a few inspiring stories:


A Bolivian woman is determined to make a difference in a country where over 50 percent of the population lives at or below the poverty level.  Self-taught, and making bricks from empty plastic bottles filled with dirt - she has designed, built and given away 10 Garbage Homes!  

Garbage Homes

Homeless and free-spirited, a young man takes matters into his own hands to protect his fellow man.  What he lacks in material possessions, he makes up for with a fierce, tender heart!  See more in Behind the Hero.

Kai - The Hitchhiker ***Warning! - Language Content***

In previous postings, Charles wrote about Malala, the 15-year old Pakistani girl who was shot in the head by the Taliban for daring to speak up about her right to an education.  Recently released from the hospital and on the road to recovery, the ripple effect of her bravery is having a huge impact.  The Pakistani government has now vowed to make sure every child is in school by the year 2015.  That's 5 million children, 3 million of which are girls! Read further: Malala spurs school-for-all vow.

Malala 

Rika

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do something I can do. - Helen Keller

Be the change you want to see in the world - Ghandi

Why I Chose to be the Other Woman

I didn't set out looking for a poly relationship.  In fact, I'd never even heard of the term until after I met Charles and Marie. 

What I did seek was More.  More than I'd had in a twenty year marriage with an introvert, going through the motions while co-existing without emotional intimacy in the same house.  More than I'd found in a lifetime of going to church, where the focus and priority was on eternal life, while the problems of mortal life were given a promise and a prayer.  More than I encountered after three years of being exposed to a dating pool that left me unimpressed and unwilling to lower my standards.  I found it all lacking in one way or another.

After meeting Charles, Marie and their teenage children, I was struck by the warmth and depth of connectivity between them.  It was evident there were a loving and cohesive unit who went out of their way to be kind to each other. Their values and standards closely mirrored those that I find ideal, and unlike so many other areas of society- they didn't just speak of them, they demonstrated them, daily.  I was drawn to the positive, contagious atmosphere that permeated the household and wanted more!

I'm a firm believer that we aren't meant to keep a tight hold on what we are given.  We reap personal fulfillment when we share from our abundance - whether it be time, wisdom, and love or other talents and resources.  Charles, Marie and I didn't enter our relationship due to any needs or inadequacies on either side - it was simply because we had more than enough to give and wanted to share it with each other.  

Being the other woman in a poly-triad isn't about being second or getting less. Quite the opposite!  I'm the recipient of an extraordinary amount of exceptional love - it forces my heart to grow in an attempt to contain it all. For me, it's not about sharing a man, it's about sharing a family and understanding the The Value of More.  We each add our own unique qualities to the relationship.  I don't just love Charles and Marie - I'm in love the entire family. It's a package deal! 

What am I missing by being the 'other woman'?  Monogamous marriage?  Been there, and quite frankly, for me,the dynamic of a poly family makes it pale by comparison. The single life, boyfriends?  Done that. For me, the grass is not greener on the other side and comes with its own set of problems and drama. Religion?  With parents who were pastors and then later missionaries, polyamory by nature goes against the way I was raised. They taught me their faith and I deeply respect them for upholding it.  My parents and their parents before them, chose their own path to fulfillment.  
In this life, everyone is obligated to find, create and become themselves, me too.

True, I may never see legislation that recognizes our poly-triad as legal.  I may never be free to stand on the front lawn and kiss Charles in front of neighbors who know Marie as his wife.  A society that is more familiar with the normality of cheating and affairs will view us as odd.  It is frustrating to downplay who I am and what we are, for the sake of making other people more comfortable with their own ignorance and fear - yet, these things are a small price to pay in exchange for the best thing that's ever happened to me!  

Being in a poly-triad with Charles and Marie has done more for me than anything I've ever encountered in my life.  I am fiercely proud of what I consider to be an ongoing accomplishment, because it challenges me to grow and give the best of myself every day.  It's changed who I am, changed my life.

The truth is, in much the same way that a person might not get married if they never met the right person, I might not have ever become poly had I not met Charles and Marie.  

I fell in love first, the label came after. 

Rika

Brand New Me - Alicia Keys

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson 

A Father's Unconditional Love

{Written to my dad after he and my stepmom met Charles and Marie for the first time. He is a man of deep religious faith - while we don't always agree, and he does not condone my poly relationship - he is able to acknowledge the happiness and peace I've found.}

Hi Daddy Dearest,                                                                                            

Just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  Some girls grow up without a father figure in their lives. Some girls grow up with a father that is present physically, but has mentally checked out, or abuses them emotionally, physically or worse.  I've been very lucky - I am blessed with an amazing Dad who really loves me, at my best, at my worst, and everything in between.  One who has consistently shown me love, support and encouragement, and tried to protect me from all evils, great and small.  Who is willing to be honest, direct and acknowledge a better way for both himself and me to follow.  A dad that is silly and makes me laugh, who shares his faith and heart, and is always available to listen and give advice, even if I choose not to follow it.                                                
You've given me a lifetime of beautiful memories and taught me many valuable lessons. The most valuable of them all stands above the rest: Unconditional Love.  While I realize and understand that you don't agree with my lifestyle/relationship choice, the openness, love and warmth you have shown my new family means everything to me.  I was so proud to share you and Grace and to have the people I love best in the world meet each other and exchange hearts, hugs and laughter.  Thank you for proving to be exactly who I've always said you were, the best dad a girl could ever have!             
                                                                   
Love you!     

Rika                                

The Stature of Superman

The strength of a man isn't measured by his muscles, it's measured by his heart. In a society where real men of character are few and far between, Charles stands head and shoulders above the rest.

During three years of dating, I discovered most men lacked character and compromised their values in one form or another. Instead of getting involved with someone who didn't quite measure up, I opted to stay single, keeping my high standards and peace of mind intact.  After spending twenty years in an emotionally stunted marriage, I cherished my independence - it was just too valuable for me to settle for less.  

I wanted More - until I found what I was looking for, I was content to be alone.

Enter Charles - aka Superman.  Good-looking, intelligent, well-spoken, charming - I was convinced he was too good to be true and would let me down. That was three years ago and I have yet to be disappointed!  In fact, he still surprises me with the depth and exceptional nature of his love and care. He certainly isn't perfect, but from day one he has proven to be genuine and real, earning my loyalty and respect.

From the start, he proved he was different than the rest.  Instead of objectifying me physically, he invested copious amounts of time and energy into getting to know me on a deeper, heartfelt level.  He understood that I was distrustful due to past relationships, and actively sought to earn my trust. In a unique relationship where he could easily treat me as second best, he honors and dignifies my place in the household as a 'wife'.  Desiring only what's best for me, he encourages me to find personal fulfillment.  He has helped me communicate more succinctly and taught me more effective ways to resolve conflict. (for more on this, read Tools for Loving).  

Tender and sweet, he can turn an ordinary errand into a romantic date. Although he prefers to show his warm, playful side and loves to tease, he is vigilant and quick to fiercely protect those in his care.  He treats Marie and I with respect, providing the boys with a positive role model on how to treat women, and frequently offers to help with household duties so we have more time to relax. An excellent father, he spends quality time with the boys, giving real life advice as they grow into strong young men.  

If each of us gave just a little bit more, there would be enough for everyone. He believes strongly in this statement and leads by example, selflessly.  Even when he is exhausted, he will lend a helping hand where needed.  He doesn't demand or take my love for granted, and works every day to earn my heart.  I don't have to go back twenty-four hours to find something sweet and kind he did to demonstrate his care.  If you happened to pass him on the street, you would be struck by his strong, handsome build, but what strikes me is his big, beautiful heart and the forever kind of love I see shining in his eyes.  

Who wouldn't want to be the one he loves?  He may be an ordinary man, but he's my Superman.

Rika

**Below is a love letter and a song Charles sent me recently.  Just an example of the unique love he gives every single day.  You can read more about his idea of romance on his blog, Test Life.**

Jamie Cullum - Love Ain't Gonna Let You Down

I am not loving you casually.

I am not loving you incidentally.

Nor is my care for you one of immature unkempt thoughts, nor simple physical attraction.

I am loving you fiercely.  Head on.  Chin up.  Straight forward.  

Unapologetically.  Religiously and Romantically.  Playfully and Practically. Honestly and Hopefully.

I've been practicing to love you all my life.

An Olympian for Love. A triathlete, your champion. 

Faster, smarter and more than any other man you have ever known.

I will take on all challengers - and knock them down.

All save but one.  Death.

((And if I can find a way to break that curse--I'll fly through that, too.))

So please stay close.  Breathe with me.  Hold my hand and follow where I lead.  

Dip when I do and stand when I stand.

And I will get us through this life.

But I can't do it alone.  I need your help.

I need your spirit and promise and your Everything, if we are going to make it.

Together.  Intact.  Happily and in Love.

For I have no greater function, no other mission.

To this, I am dedicated.

To this, I can make my promises and assure you of deliverance.

So that on the day that you finally lay me down, 

my body broken, steel no more.

You will kiss my mortal lips one last time,

wiping tears from my eyes as the sparks shimmer and flicker out in them.

And whisper, 

"Well Done, husband.  You have made good on your word. I have loved and been loved well. Now rest.  Sleep and wait for me."

And when you arrive,

I will be waiting,

Having pushed all black space and stars aside to make a path for you.

Fiercely, arms out and ready to catch you, 

and do the impossible all over again.

Charles

Flying with Superman

The Best.Girlfriend.Ever.

What kind of woman goes out of her way to share her husband and family with another female?  One with a heart of amazing capacity for love and generosity of spirit - Marie.

Marie was a driving force behind adding me to the family; however, translating this concept into a reality was as challenging as you would think! Combining a household where two females had different ways of approaching things was a bit of a hurdle, and we went through a normal adjustment period. This required discussion, a willingness to see the other person's point of view and working together to find the best compromise. After almost three years together, we have become comfortable in our individual roles and seamlessly cooperate to take care of the family - we all jokingly refer to me as her 'wife'!

Sharing a husband also meant there were some insecurities and jealousies in the beginning. Being vulnerable with one other can sometimes be difficult for women, but with Charles' mediation, we grew to appreciate and value the true meaning of compersion.  She is a staunch advocate in my relationship with Charles, and willingly shares the wisdom that comes from being married to him for twenty plus years.  I in turn offer a fresh perspective on her own relationship with Charles.  By promoting one another's relationships, it benefits the entire family. That's how love works!

Best Friends

We have forged a unique bond that can't be duplicated by a typical friendship. Having a live-in sister available every day who knows both me and the man I love inside and out is a privilege.  Although we work diligently to take care of the family, we enjoy each other's company and have fun with it, teasing and dissolving in laughter over the silliest things!  This makes Charles and the boys shake their head and roll their eyes at 'Women!', but secretly they love the positive energy Marie and I interject into the atmosphere of the household! 

To provide down time from the daily schedule and chores, Marie and I make sure we set aside a night each week for some 'girl time'.  Sometimes we go out for dinner and a movie, or stay in to watch Netflix and play card games. The point is to spend quality time together and we look forward to it as the highlight of our week.  It's our own version of stress relief and it works wonders!

Marie is my best friend - sweet and fun to be around - she has a fierce heart dedicated to protecting her family and has proven her loyalty to me in countless ways.  I literally wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.  Thank goodness she was brave enough to go against society's rules of convention and embrace something More!

Rika

Emile Sande - My Kind of Love

Tools for Loving

The past three years with Charles and Marie has been the happiest I've ever been in my life!  Our home rings with the sound of laughter, joy and positivity, but we have our moments, just like any other family.  The way we handle those 'moments' can make all the difference between making or breaking our relationship.  

It has been said that the optimal time to gauge the true measure of your commitment is during the tough spots.  It's easy to show your best side when everything is going well; however, character is best measured when unexpected or difficult events occur.

Rather than face a difficult situation, some partners opt to use a ‘down’ as a chance to break up; however, if you are committed to making the relationship last for a lifetime, it's critical that you work together towards a solution.  You can't rely on feelings - emotions are as variable as the weather and can contribute to bad decisions made in the heat of the moment.

Examining your relationship at times like these reveals two things in particular:

• Gives you a true picture of yourself and your partners by showing what you each are really made of
• Shows you the effort you are willing to invest to work it out 

In my 'previous life' (as I like to refer to the time period before I met Charles and Marie), I was passive and tended to avoid confrontation.  Being in a tri-lateral relationship with the Dashings has taught me to be more assertive and improved my communication skills.  Charles in particular, being our relationship advocate, (read more about him and what this means in How Does That Work, Exactly?) has worked patiently with me to break old habits and form more constructive ways to handle 'bumps in the road'.  I continue to learn and grow and certainly don't claim to have all of the answers; however, the following are some tools that when I apply and use them correctly, go a long way towards helping resolve conflict:

•  Trust in what you Know.  This means that I rely on the strength and commitment of the relationship, knowing that regardless of whatever tumultuous feelings are present, we sincerely love each other and will do whatever it takes to work through the issue.
•  Clearly Communicate.  Don't expect others to read your mind.  Be honest and direct, don't speak around the issue.
•  Remove the Emotion and Ego.  View the facts of the situation using logic.  The goal should be to promote growth in the relationship, not make you feel validated by defending your actions and ego.
•  Examine the Motives of those involved.  Was there malicious intent, or was the situation merely due to a miscommunication, misunderstanding or because someone was feeling disconnected?
•  Look at it from the other person’s Perspective.  I may have perfectly good intentions, but ultimately, how the other person receives and perceives my actions is what matters most from their viewpoint.
•  Take Responsibility for your own Behavior.  Realize that the only person I can change is myself.  Regardless of what others do, I cannot blame someone else for my own reactions.  
•  If the Shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.  Don't get caught up defending unnecessary or irrelevant sidebars that don't really apply to you or the situation at hand.  It's a time-waster and can distract you from the real issue.
• See the Big Picture.  Everything is connected.  Understand how this issue is related to your relationship in the long run, and how it affects things as a whole.
• Find the Best Possible Solution for the Maximum Number of People.  In any relationship, the best answer for the relationship is usually the best answer for the individual as well.  Find a way to help everyone win.
• Choose which Battles to Fight. Is this something you really need to take a stand on, or in the grand scheme of things, is it inconsequential?
• Show Grace.  If the one who has offended you is usually consistent with demonstrating their love and care for you, their investment should be viewed as  'money in the bank', and taken into consideration when viewing a perceived offense.
• Acknowledge, Apologize and Atone.  When you are at fault, acknowledge it immediately, sincerely apologize, and promptly find a way to make it up to the person you have wronged.  Do this in a way that is customized both towards the person you have offended and also towards the nature of the offense.

Real relationships (vs. those you see in the movies or on tv) take work, but the results are well worth it!  To prevent us from merely co-existing and tolerating each other, we believe it's crucial to invest time, energy and decided effort into maintaining and enriching the bond between us.  Being in a decidedly unconventional relationship has presented a few challenges of its own; however, we keep it real, discussing openly - with an agenda of healing, not finger-pointing.  I've grown closer to Charles and Marie in the three years I've been with them compared to the twenty years I was married to my ex-husband.  That's a pretty powerful testament to love, commitment and honest, direct communication!  We are determined to be the best we can be for one another - I look forward to many more years with my two best friends.   ^  ^

Rika

Message of Love - The Pretenders