Tools for Loving

The past three years with Charles and Marie has been the happiest I've ever been in my life!  Our home rings with the sound of laughter, joy and positivity, but we have our moments, just like any other family.  The way we handle those 'moments' can make all the difference between making or breaking our relationship.  

It has been said that the optimal time to gauge the true measure of your commitment is during the tough spots.  It's easy to show your best side when everything is going well; however, character is best measured when unexpected or difficult events occur.

Rather than face a difficult situation, some partners opt to use a ‘down’ as a chance to break up; however, if you are committed to making the relationship last for a lifetime, it's critical that you work together towards a solution.  You can't rely on feelings - emotions are as variable as the weather and can contribute to bad decisions made in the heat of the moment.

Examining your relationship at times like these reveals two things in particular:

• Gives you a true picture of yourself and your partners by showing what you each are really made of
• Shows you the effort you are willing to invest to work it out 

In my 'previous life' (as I like to refer to the time period before I met Charles and Marie), I was passive and tended to avoid confrontation.  Being in a tri-lateral relationship with the Dashings has taught me to be more assertive and improved my communication skills.  Charles in particular, being our relationship advocate, (read more about him and what this means in How Does That Work, Exactly?) has worked patiently with me to break old habits and form more constructive ways to handle 'bumps in the road'.  I continue to learn and grow and certainly don't claim to have all of the answers; however, the following are some tools that when I apply and use them correctly, go a long way towards helping resolve conflict:

•  Trust in what you Know.  This means that I rely on the strength and commitment of the relationship, knowing that regardless of whatever tumultuous feelings are present, we sincerely love each other and will do whatever it takes to work through the issue.
•  Clearly Communicate.  Don't expect others to read your mind.  Be honest and direct, don't speak around the issue.
•  Remove the Emotion and Ego.  View the facts of the situation using logic.  The goal should be to promote growth in the relationship, not make you feel validated by defending your actions and ego.
•  Examine the Motives of those involved.  Was there malicious intent, or was the situation merely due to a miscommunication, misunderstanding or because someone was feeling disconnected?
•  Look at it from the other person’s Perspective.  I may have perfectly good intentions, but ultimately, how the other person receives and perceives my actions is what matters most from their viewpoint.
•  Take Responsibility for your own Behavior.  Realize that the only person I can change is myself.  Regardless of what others do, I cannot blame someone else for my own reactions.  
•  If the Shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.  Don't get caught up defending unnecessary or irrelevant sidebars that don't really apply to you or the situation at hand.  It's a time-waster and can distract you from the real issue.
• See the Big Picture.  Everything is connected.  Understand how this issue is related to your relationship in the long run, and how it affects things as a whole.
• Find the Best Possible Solution for the Maximum Number of People.  In any relationship, the best answer for the relationship is usually the best answer for the individual as well.  Find a way to help everyone win.
• Choose which Battles to Fight. Is this something you really need to take a stand on, or in the grand scheme of things, is it inconsequential?
• Show Grace.  If the one who has offended you is usually consistent with demonstrating their love and care for you, their investment should be viewed as  'money in the bank', and taken into consideration when viewing a perceived offense.
• Acknowledge, Apologize and Atone.  When you are at fault, acknowledge it immediately, sincerely apologize, and promptly find a way to make it up to the person you have wronged.  Do this in a way that is customized both towards the person you have offended and also towards the nature of the offense.

Real relationships (vs. those you see in the movies or on tv) take work, but the results are well worth it!  To prevent us from merely co-existing and tolerating each other, we believe it's crucial to invest time, energy and decided effort into maintaining and enriching the bond between us.  Being in a decidedly unconventional relationship has presented a few challenges of its own; however, we keep it real, discussing openly - with an agenda of healing, not finger-pointing.  I've grown closer to Charles and Marie in the three years I've been with them compared to the twenty years I was married to my ex-husband.  That's a pretty powerful testament to love, commitment and honest, direct communication!  We are determined to be the best we can be for one another - I look forward to many more years with my two best friends.   ^  ^

Rika

Message of Love - The Pretenders