The Inner Workings of our Poly-Relationship

All poly is not the same - there are different styles, dependent upon the consensus of the people involved.  Some who practice a polyamorous lifestyle may decide to date other people as they choose, with the full consent of those in the core relationship.  For Charles, Marie and I, we have committed to a policy of polyfidelity -  a closed and exclusive relationship between the 3 of us. At some point down the road, if we meet the right person who fits our family dynamic and is able to pass a series of stringent filters, we may consider adding a fourth to our relationship.  Not because we need it, but because we could responsibly manage and enjoy one more person to love. Any addition is a future unknown, however; in our Here and Now, we are fulfilled, busy and content.

In our current relationship, Charles is what is known as the 'V' or hinge.  I am physically and romantically involved with him, and while not legally married, I'm treated with the genuine respect and loving adoration of a wife. This is with the full approval and consent of Marie, his first wife of 23 years; they have their own rich and deeply bonded relationship as well.  This means Charles works diligently to maintain two fully realized relationships simultaneously - and does a fantastic job of it, too!  Marie and I have a heterosexual girlfriend relationship that continues to blossom and flourish daily. Together the 3 of us are each others' best friends, life partners and companions.

To those considering such a lifestyle, you'll definitely experience an intricately layered relationship which is difficult to replicate elsewhere.  If you're open to evolution and growth, you'll find all the joys I speak of in The Value of More, How Does that Work Exactly?, Why I Chose to be the Other Woman; however, that joy isn't automatically part of an all-inclusive ticket to 'Disneyworld'.  A poly lifestyle takes plenty of 'elbow grease' in order to reap any benefits.

Adaptability to this type of relationship requires certain key ingredients:

• A strongly rooted sense of self-identity that isn't based upon external circumstances or other people's opinions of you; while current laws are changing, at this point, society is not willing to recognize a 3rd or 4th partner in the relationship as a 'real' spouse
• Receiving constructive criticism without getting defensive or emotional; you can't let your ego get in the way when someone is simply trying to help you
• Allowing your partners to lovingly assess and identify areas where you need improvement (and doing the same for them); it becomes ludicrous to blindly insist there isn't a issue when you've got not one, but two people telling you there's a problem
• Being willing to put in the work and invest in a great deal of communication. In these relationships both the successes and the stumbles are shared with all involved, and when necessary, discussed and examined in detail
• A personal set of filters that help you rise above the routine emotional crises and "bad days at work"; it's not fair to place the burden of that nonsense on your partners. Instead, see those relationships as a reward, not a towel.
• An ability to not only handle, but facilitate unity by allowing your partners to spend time together without you. Understand that the group relationship is only as strong as the individual ones within. Each is crucial to the growth of the family unit
• Feelings of sincere compersion when you witness the ones you love embracing or kissing; if allowed to foster, feelings of jealousy and insecurity can be the downfall of a poly relationship. Compersion - is the opposite of jealousy. What a beautiful thing to have in your heart!
• Taking ownership of your own fulfillment; discover and pursue the things that bring you joy - don't expect your partners to complete what you lack within yourself
• Effectively communicating what it is you want and need; no one else is inside your head but you and can't be expected to read your mind
• A solid sense of independence that allows you to appreciate time alone; the intense nature of a poly dynamic means everyone needs space to occasionally retreat
• neediness must be replaced by emotional strength
• A strong sense of teamwork, generosity and unselfishness; this requires replacing 'I' with 'We' in order to find the best possible solution for the greatest number of people

While a poly lifestyle is very rewarding, it takes plenty of communication and hard work to transform that communication into action that yields results.  But is it worth it? Absolutely and unequivocally!  Our own relationship has grown so much that we hardly recognize ourselves. Situations that would have stopped us short three years ago are but bumps in the road these days; we're able to resolve issues quickly and efficiently as a cohesive, seamless unit. 

The usual response I get when sharing my story is, "It's okay for you, but it's not for me." 
That's reasonable - I understand it's not for everyone, just as traditional marriage, a same sex partnership or the single life isn't for everyone. Personally, I didn't know that such a thing as poly even existed seven years ago, but it's proven a richly fertile ground for my own personal growth.  This lifestyle suits me to a T - I'm content, fulfilled and growing daily.  Now that I'm here, I can't imagine anything else, and would find it challenging to go back to what society views as a 'normal' relationship.

My reply to the above question?  "You'll never know until you try!" Regardless of your relationship status or what the future looks like to you personally, the most important thing is this:  Know who you are and what you want out of life. Then, work towards that goal. Who knows, you may find yourself in a poly lifestyle one of these days! 
After all, anything's possible if you realize an open, loving heart and keep moving forward. ^  ^

Rika