Keeping it Real

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Although I tend to wax philosophical and engage in serious discussion, the truth is, I prefer the light-hearted side of things.  I enjoy being silly and making people laugh.  There have been times in the past where I've been criticized for being a little too bubbly or laughing a little too loudly.  Others have openly resented that my positive outlook on life doesn't mesh with their own negative attitude.  Admittedly, I do see the glass half-full, because I sincerely believe there is always something to be thankful for, if you take the time to look closely enough.  That doesn't mean I am unaware of the horrific events that happen in the world all around me - reading about these things can make me physically ill.  I am profoundly grateful for the fact that thus far, my life has remained untouched by such stories of tragedy and despair.

My previous posts have outlined the positive aspects of my poly-relationship - we work diligently to invest in each other in a meaningful way.  Leaning in and connecting to one another helps us avoid some of the pitfalls that might befall us if we chose to take each other for granted.  It doesn't mean we haven't dealt with some challenges, it's just that we choose to not let them defeat or destroy us.  Instead, we allow these situations to strengthen us, by using them as opportunities for growth.

As children, each of us hopes for unconditional love and acceptance of our truest self.  As we grow older, we realize that despite our best attempts to cohabitate peacefully on this earth - there are those who allow their differences and ignorance of perspective to limit their hearts and dictate their actions.  The harsh reality of being faced with the limitation of someone's love can sting.

You see, it's not that I have a Pollyanna perspective - I simply choose to live in the Now.  There are things and situations that I cannot control; however, I can certainly determine my own attitude in how I react to unforeseen events. I refuse to let someone else color who I am, what I should be, or who I should love.  I will not allow them to paralyze my joy in all the good things that uplift my life!  As Charles says, "Never apologize for love."

I recently 'came out' to a friend at work, who met my confession with support and acceptance.  Although my workplace is pro-Lifestyle Diversity and has a zero tolerance policy of discrimination of any type, this decision was not made lightly.  After careful consideration and in-depth research, I will also be opening up to my supervisor and co-workers about the truth of my poly-family.  For three years, they have believed I have a regular 'boyfriend', and my conversations about home life have been limited to Charles and the boys. That's not fair or respectful to Marie.  Furthermore, toning myself down to fit someone else's perception of 'normal' leaves me feeling dishonest.  I am fully aware this will result in criticism and questions.  If I ultimately find myself socially rejected, I am prepared to accept it.  My self-confidence is not linked to what others think of me, nor is my happiness dependent upon external factors.

I gladly give others the right to their own beliefs and lifestyles, but I draw the line when those same people try to dictate my own choices for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  I believe in who I am and my poly relationship down to the very core.  It's my family structure. These days, the family can be comprised of many different configurations of numbers, gender, sexual orientation and race.  In a society where over fifty percent of Americans consider their pet as part of the family, I refuse to let my own idea of family structure be determined by someone else's viewpoint.

This is who I am.  I've been given one life and I insist on owning it.

Rika

Mary J. Blige, feat. U2 - One (Lyrics Below)

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say one love, one life (one life)
It's one need in the night
One love (one love), get to share it
Leaves you darling, if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late, tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Well, did I ask too much, more than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got
We're one, but we're not the same
Well we, hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law
You ask me to enter
Well then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and my
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One love

On The Up Side

The news these days is filled with reports of violence, oppression and poverty. In the midst of these daunting obstacles, you will find individuals whose indomitable spirit compels them to be a voice for change.

Below are a few inspiring stories:


A Bolivian woman is determined to make a difference in a country where over 50 percent of the population lives at or below the poverty level.  Self-taught, and making bricks from empty plastic bottles filled with dirt - she has designed, built and given away 10 Garbage Homes!  

Garbage Homes

Homeless and free-spirited, a young man takes matters into his own hands to protect his fellow man.  What he lacks in material possessions, he makes up for with a fierce, tender heart!  See more in Behind the Hero.

Kai - The Hitchhiker ***Warning! - Language Content***

In previous postings, Charles wrote about Malala, the 15-year old Pakistani girl who was shot in the head by the Taliban for daring to speak up about her right to an education.  Recently released from the hospital and on the road to recovery, the ripple effect of her bravery is having a huge impact.  The Pakistani government has now vowed to make sure every child is in school by the year 2015.  That's 5 million children, 3 million of which are girls! Read further: Malala spurs school-for-all vow.

Malala 

Rika

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do something I can do. - Helen Keller

Be the change you want to see in the world - Ghandi

Why I Chose to be the Other Woman

I didn't set out looking for a poly relationship.  In fact, I'd never even heard of the term until after I met Charles and Marie. 

What I did seek was More.  More than I'd had in a twenty year marriage with an introvert, going through the motions while co-existing without emotional intimacy in the same house.  More than I'd found in a lifetime of going to church, where the focus and priority was on eternal life, while the problems of mortal life were given a promise and a prayer.  More than I encountered after three years of being exposed to a dating pool that left me unimpressed and unwilling to lower my standards.  I found it all lacking in one way or another.

After meeting Charles, Marie and their teenage children, I was struck by the warmth and depth of connectivity between them.  It was evident there were a loving and cohesive unit who went out of their way to be kind to each other. Their values and standards closely mirrored those that I find ideal, and unlike so many other areas of society- they didn't just speak of them, they demonstrated them, daily.  I was drawn to the positive, contagious atmosphere that permeated the household and wanted more!

I'm a firm believer that we aren't meant to keep a tight hold on what we are given.  We reap personal fulfillment when we share from our abundance - whether it be time, wisdom, and love or other talents and resources.  Charles, Marie and I didn't enter our relationship due to any needs or inadequacies on either side - it was simply because we had more than enough to give and wanted to share it with each other.  

Being the other woman in a poly-triad isn't about being second or getting less. Quite the opposite!  I'm the recipient of an extraordinary amount of exceptional love - it forces my heart to grow in an attempt to contain it all. For me, it's not about sharing a man, it's about sharing a family and understanding the The Value of More.  We each add our own unique qualities to the relationship.  I don't just love Charles and Marie - I'm in love the entire family. It's a package deal! 

What am I missing by being the 'other woman'?  Monogamous marriage?  Been there, and quite frankly, for me,the dynamic of a poly family makes it pale by comparison. The single life, boyfriends?  Done that. For me, the grass is not greener on the other side and comes with its own set of problems and drama. Religion?  With parents who were pastors and then later missionaries, polyamory by nature goes against the way I was raised. They taught me their faith and I deeply respect them for upholding it.  My parents and their parents before them, chose their own path to fulfillment.  
In this life, everyone is obligated to find, create and become themselves, me too.

True, I may never see legislation that recognizes our poly-triad as legal.  I may never be free to stand on the front lawn and kiss Charles in front of neighbors who know Marie as his wife.  A society that is more familiar with the normality of cheating and affairs will view us as odd.  It is frustrating to downplay who I am and what we are, for the sake of making other people more comfortable with their own ignorance and fear - yet, these things are a small price to pay in exchange for the best thing that's ever happened to me!  

Being in a poly-triad with Charles and Marie has done more for me than anything I've ever encountered in my life.  I am fiercely proud of what I consider to be an ongoing accomplishment, because it challenges me to grow and give the best of myself every day.  It's changed who I am, changed my life.

The truth is, in much the same way that a person might not get married if they never met the right person, I might not have ever become poly had I not met Charles and Marie.  

I fell in love first, the label came after. 

Rika

Brand New Me - Alicia Keys

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson