For those of you not familiar with my story, please visit a few of my previous postings for a proper introduction: The Value of More and Why I Chose to be the Other Woman.
For my regular readers, please continue...
The majority of people I've 'come out' to have been very positive and accepting; however, perhaps due to politeness or discomfort, they are reticent to ask questions.
In this article, I'll answer one of the questions they don't ask about my poly relationship.
Let's get started.
The majority of people I've 'come out' to have been very positive and accepting; however, perhaps due to politeness or discomfort, they are reticent to ask questions.
In this article, I'll answer one of the questions they don't ask about my poly relationship.
Let's get started.
Why poly? Couldn't you find your own man?
Yes, actually, I could. ^ ^
I was married for 20 years, but the relationship lacked emotional intimacy and commonalities. After the kids grew up and left the house, I couldn't validate staying in an empty relationship simply for the sake of security and convenience.
I was married for 20 years, but the relationship lacked emotional intimacy and commonalities. After the kids grew up and left the house, I couldn't validate staying in an empty relationship simply for the sake of security and convenience.
The problem wasn't getting a man of my own, but finding the right one.....
I wanted More.
A man who noticed and appreciated the intracacies of my heart over the way I look in a great pair of jeans. A man who had a history of making ethical choices. Who creatively and fiercely invested in the people he cared for. Someone who tempered strength with wisdom. A man of character and integrity I could respect and trust.
Sound too good to be true? I thought so too, for awhile. In fact, I had reconciled myself to the fact that the 'right' guy just didn't exist. I had come to the realization that being alone with my standards intact was better than getting involved with the wrong person. At my age, the dating pool is not limited to, but comprised primarily of:
(a) divorcees down on their luck, living with their roommate and getting rides to work from their friends
(b) guys trying to hit on you when they should've been home with their girlfriend/wife
(c) wanna-be hip-hop artists who bypassed an actual job in favor of spending the day in their basement, smoking weed, recording music and planning their success if they could manage to swing just the right deal
(d) guys who thought because I had a good job, nice car and paid my bills on time, that I'd be willing to take care of them as well - NOT!...or....
(e) nice, perfectly respectable guys who had a good job, lovely house, nice car, but had nothing interesting to talk about, whose main interest was falling asleep while watching tv and guzzling beer.
No, thank you!
While many of these guys may look appealing on the surface, closer examination often reveals people whose life experiences and accumulated baggage have thrown them off track.
I wanted More.
A man who noticed and appreciated the intracacies of my heart over the way I look in a great pair of jeans. A man who had a history of making ethical choices. Who creatively and fiercely invested in the people he cared for. Someone who tempered strength with wisdom. A man of character and integrity I could respect and trust.
Sound too good to be true? I thought so too, for awhile. In fact, I had reconciled myself to the fact that the 'right' guy just didn't exist. I had come to the realization that being alone with my standards intact was better than getting involved with the wrong person. At my age, the dating pool is not limited to, but comprised primarily of:
(a) divorcees down on their luck, living with their roommate and getting rides to work from their friends
(b) guys trying to hit on you when they should've been home with their girlfriend/wife
(c) wanna-be hip-hop artists who bypassed an actual job in favor of spending the day in their basement, smoking weed, recording music and planning their success if they could manage to swing just the right deal
(d) guys who thought because I had a good job, nice car and paid my bills on time, that I'd be willing to take care of them as well - NOT!...or....
(e) nice, perfectly respectable guys who had a good job, lovely house, nice car, but had nothing interesting to talk about, whose main interest was falling asleep while watching tv and guzzling beer.
No, thank you!
While many of these guys may look appealing on the surface, closer examination often reveals people whose life experiences and accumulated baggage have thrown them off track.
When I encountered Charles, he literally seemed too good to be true. Surprisingly, the more emails we exchanged (I'm talking several hundred in-depth emails, not the "Hey, what's up, tell me something good" variety), the more questions I asked, the more readily he answered, the more time I spent around he and his family - I found he was exactly what he appeared to be.
The genuine article. (He still is.)
He was successful and well-respected in his professional life. He had a lovely home, a sweet, sexy little car, was financially stable, dressed nicely, spoke intelligently and wrote eloquently. He was witty, kind-hearted and very good-looking.
Not so with Charles. From the beginning, he spoke openly and proudly of his commitment to his wife of 18 years, the wonderful mom she was to their children, how she put herself through college while working full-time and taking care of the kids. He smiled warmly when sharing how she greeted him with enthusiasm when he came home every night from work. The love and respect they had for one another was apparent from the start.
He and Marie approached life with confidence and did what was right for their family even when it wasn't necessarily conventional. They wanted to share their home and hearts with just the right person, and like myself, had all but given up on finding the perfect fit.
It was as though the three of us had been looking for one another. From all angles, the stringent list of values and characteristics sought in long-term partners matched remarkably. In a world where it's common to cheat, lie and have affairs; where insecurities can cause people to hold onto each other tightly and fearfully - an unconventional relationship of sharing time, resources and the best of each other made sense for our common set of values.
The three of us entered into this poly-fidelitous relationship willingly and with a great sense of optimism.
That was five years ago. No regrets and going strong. <333
For the inside scoop on how our relationship functions, read How Does that Work, Exactly? and The Inner Workings of Our Poly Relationship,
Rika
