Platitudes & Gratitudes

Excerpt of a morning email from Charles, sent several days ago.  Charles is an excellent partner, expressing gratitude and appreciation to both Marie and I on a daily basis. 

Good morning party people!!

Good to be alive and feel the light and warmth of Now.  

AND -- to have such delightful lifemates to share that with!  Yessssshhhhh.

I’ll begin with my platitudes of gratitude…  for haircuts, packed dinners and lunches. For good discussions.  

You guys are the cat’s pajamas, the bee’s knees and a bag o’ chips!   

And I just love you for it.   

Rika:  I gotta say - you did Oversleep proud this morning!  You look really classy and smart in that dress.  Well put-together.    And hey, extra points for stepping up to help our son last night when you were dead on your feet.....that was just Right.   By the way, I have enough leftovers to get me through… you really don’t need to cook. But rather you do or don’t; thank you!  

And you do know I haz a car, right?   I knows where they keep The Krogers and The Wendy’s!!   (At Krogers and Wendy’s… am I right?!)   Heh. =P

And Marie...I just luvs ya, kid.  You were a dreamy lil' mess this morning.  I love sharing stories with you and greeting you each day.  Excellent job on your test scores!  You're doing great, but I know it's work and you need time to study as well as time for play.  Speaking of, did we agree to tennis tomorrow after work?  I can't remember if you said Yes...but if tomorrow isn't good, we could take another swing at it over the weekend. See what I did there?  Lol.

Tonight, I’ve got to stumble my way onto the treadmill.  After that – it’s TO INFINITY AND BEYOND for me (No Man’s Sky) ---- unless we decide to play Overwatch… or Evolve… or lightsaber, or Pokemon hunt, … or watch more Stranger Things.  The sky is the limit!

You remain two of my most favorite beings of all time…  

Alright.   Nuff said ----

Here’s to a quick day and a looooong, summer weekend! 

All of my love,

- Charles

Happy, Growing and Busy

For those who follow my blog, my apologies for not writing since April. Things are going very well!  In between the business of home and work life, I've been working on a secondary blog which is solely dedicated to emails sent from Charles.

He's an eloquent writer, but more importantly, his upstanding character is demonstrated to Marie and I - both in every day life at home and in the thousands of emails we've exchanged in the last 6 1/2 years.

As I often say, he's kept every one of his promises from Day One.

Once I've identified and uploaded a sizeable amount of material, I'll release the address - not because it's homework!  This secondary blog is only for those who care to dig deeper into the nuances of our polyfidelitous relationship.

Stay Posted!

Rika

On Lowering Expectations

"Some of the people in our lives may never walk as fast or smoothly as we desire. Instead of chafing at the bit and getting frustrated with what we perceive to be their inadequacies, we are better served to let go of our expectations and allow them to Be. While that seems both counterintuitive and counterproductive, it allows us to love them more appropriately.  

It releases us from the emotional attachment to an expected outcome; the false entitlements our ego attempts to manufacture.  

The best Me should never be at the mercy of someone else's blurry vision. Who has not the eyes to see, the ears to hear, nor the capacity for the introspection and connectivity it takes to correctly love themselves or others. 

The disparity of distance this creates is unfortunate.  However, if we slow to a steady pace - which allows them to plod along but also leaves us room to grow - it is manageable."  

-Rika

The Shunning

From past articles, readers know my poly-fidelitious relationship has caused discord with my parents, ultimately resulting in their silent condemnation.  After 3 years of estrangement, however - my mother recently contacted me, seeking reconciliation. Since then, we've taken significant steps toward healing.

Unfortunately, my dad remains silent; our last communication was over 3 years ago.  At the time - after expressing his disappointment in my lifestyle, my lack of belief in God, and condemning my sinful ways - he washed his hands of my 'reprobate mind'. 

His parting advice was...

"Contact me when you're on the bottom, and I'll come pray you out."
 For all intents and purposes, it would seem he continues an unyielding grip on this rigid  perspective.

The irony of the situation does not escape me.

Without divulging irrelevant and confidential details, allow me to explain.

About 35 years ago, my dad (both a pastor and foreign missionary) went through a series of very challenging circumstances.  Subsequently, after painful deliberation, he voluntarily turned in his ministerial license and left a thriving ministry overseas. 

The international church organization we were affiliated with at the time immediately condemned and rejected him.  

He never heard from them again.

                                                 To this day.

                                                                  Shunned.

He has oft referred to the years that followed as his 'personal wilderness'; journeying through the emotional turmoil that ultimately led to his spiritual independence. These days, he has found a measure of healing as he ministers via his own blog and daily interactions with people.  

Yet..... he seems unable to draw the connection between his past persecution by the religious community - and his excommunication of me in the present.  

Alright.

• How do you serve as an ambassador for the kingdom but yet refuse actual interaction with the 'sinner'? Preachers will venture into bars to win a lost soul. Heck, even Jesus ate with sinners.

• Wouldn't there be a better chance of influencing those you wish to win for Christ by treating them with respect and kindness? #PoliticiansEatThisShitForBreakfast 

• If scripture quoting and sermonizing pushed me away instead of drawing me closer, wouldn't it make sense to try a different approach? Every salesman uses multiple approaches in order to convince his audience and close the deal.

• Have you forgotten how it felt to be annihilated with silent condemnation from those who claim to live, eat and breathe God's love?  It's disheartening to witness the same damaging pattern repeat itself - as you color my own lifestyle with an identical black crayon.

It is apparent the 'peace that passes all understanding' replaced any effort to find an effective approach towards a better way.

Rika 

Religion - The Bad Parent - Theramin Trees

The Benefits of Video Games

As my readers know, our family spends quite a bit of time playing video games. While we have our individual favorites, the majority of time we lean toward cooperative (co-op) games. Working together to defeat in-game enemies requires clear communication and a strong sense of teamwork; skills which translate well into real life (IRL).

The IRL benefits of video games are not limited to communication or teamwork skills, however. Video games have recently earned respect from the scientific and medical community, and are being used as a valuable resource tool in treating patients with a variety of conditions.

Below are a few examples, followed by source links:

+ Long-lasting and positive effects on perception, attention, memory and decision-making; long considered by psychologists to be the basic building blocks of intelligence.  
Source:  Psychology Today 

+ Playing video games can have therapeutic cognitive benefits by increasing brain size and connectivity.  Source:  Psychology Today

+  Improving vision in patients with amblyopia (lazy-eye), by forcing both eyes to work together to complete an in-game task.  Source:  McGill

+  Rehabilitating stroke victims by contracting their muscles to control the virtual environment.  Source:  The New Yorker

+  Training laparoscopic surgical residents - enhancing their visuospatial attention, patial resolution and hand-eye coordination.  Source:  in-Training

+  Tackling mental decline in old age by improving working memory and attention span.  Source:  BBC/Technology


+  Treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) with exposure therapy, incremental exposure which allows them to recognize, control and cope with their responses to traumatic stimulation in a controlled environment.  Source:  The Mary Sue

+  Reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety in people with clinical depression.  
Source: East Carolina University

Not all the benefits of gaming are measurable by a research study or scientific data.   Besides an excellent form of stress relief and pure relaxation, my adventures in the virtual world yield rich bonding experiences with my family; a connectivity that is priceless.

Rika 

On a Lighter Note

In my internet wanderings, I came across a few articles entitled 'Problems only Girls with Big Butts will Understand' that made me smile. I took the liberty of reposting a few of their points; sources are noted at the bottom of page.

• No jeans fitting correctly, ever. Either you can't pull them over your butt, or you wind up with a huge gap in the waist. There is no in-between.
• All skirts and dresses are too short in the back.  That office-appropriate pencil skirt you love? It's definitely not appropriate on you. 
• Forget squeezing between tables at restaurants. Or aisles at movie theaters. Your butt is an independent entity that will wind up in the faces of anyone in the near vicinity.
• You still have an embarrassing spiritual connection to Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back." What can you say? Back before you learned to embrace your curves, this anthem gave you hope.
• Finding a cute bikini is impossible. If there isn't a mix-and-match option, forget it. You have to pick between your butt hanging out or super-frumpy granny bottoms.
• People recognize you just as well from behind as they do from looking at your face.
• Walking up stairs with someone directly behind you makes you profoundly uncomfortable.
• You can’t wear short shorts because your backside insists on peeking out of them.
• For pets and BFFs, your butt is the best pillow available.  
• You feel instant kinship with other bootylicious ladies.
• Having your friends compare your posterior to stars/planets/galaxies/wonders of the world is standard fare.
• Although it has its disadvantages, you're proud of your bum just the way it is.

"There's a difference between being voluptuous and slutty - only a fool can't tell the difference."  

- Charles Dashing

Sources:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/big-butt-problems

http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/struggles-that-only-people-with-big-butts-will-understand#.unyN20L1NB

http://www.theloop.ca/13-things-only-girls-with-big-butts-will-understand/

Another interesting article on the speculated health benefits of having a big butt:

http://elitedaily.com/news/world/big-butt-healthy-butt-study-says-women-big-butts-healthier/

Common Misconceptions held by Christians

To those who have a solid grasp on reality and don’t need such a reminder, please disregard the following disclaimer:  

The opinions presented in this article are my own personal viewpoint based upon what has and has not worked for me. Under no circumstance should they be misinterpreted as my attempt to take over the universe, by convincing others to adopt my beliefs.  Without the personal conviction of life experience and relevant understanding, that would be unwise, yet there are those who interpret free speech shared via a personal blog article as dictating a certain agenda.  It is these individuals that necessitate the constant disclaimer you see here and sprinkled throughout my previous writings.

I haven't considered myself a Christian for several years, but growing up in that culture, I was taught that we 'Oneness Pentecostal' believers were privy to the only 'true' way.   All other professed Christians did not have the revelation of the truth and, despite their sincerity, would not make it into heaven.  Anything other than the King James version of the Bible was viewed with skeptical eyes. A female who walked into church wearing pants and jewelry was immediately judged as a 'backslider'.  Homosexuality and gay marriage were considered unknown territory and therefore subjects too taboo for discussion.  

These types of communities keep themselves apart from everyone else as much as possible. This is the reason why so many Christians either home-school their children or enroll them in private schools.  They teach their children to avoid interaction with non-believers - with one exception - to invite them to church.  The need to keep clean and separate from the sinfulness of the world is paramount.  Asking questions is highly discouraged, equated with doubt and disbelief.

This ignorance breeds fear and aversion.  Separation and condemnation. It fosters many misconceptions.

Such as:

• We are born with free will, the choice to choose life or death. This is simply not true. Scripturally speaking, if you don't choose heaven - you are condemned to hell. In my opinion, that's tyrannical coercion.  Ultimatums at gunpoint never allow for rational decision-making. John 3:36.

• The Bible was solely inspired by God. There are many stories in the Bible that were borrowed from other cultures and religions.  For instance, the Ten Commandments has strong correlations to the Egyptian Book of the Dead.

• The absence of faith does not 'auto-magically' equate to the absence of morals. Believers and non-believers alike are capable of making bad decisions.

• The legalization of gay marriage means the destruction of traditional marriage. According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of heterosexual married couples in the United States divorce.  The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.  

• Gay and lesbian couples are unfit parents.  On the contrary, research by the American Psychological Association shows lesbian and gay parents are just as likely as heterosexual parents to provide supportive and healthy environments for their children.

• The Biblical definition of marriage is monogamy, involving just one man and one woman.  Not true.  There are many instances in the Bible of polygamy.  In fact, the nation of Israel sprang from Jacob's union with 4 women. 

These misconceptions are held so strongly that any attempt at logical discussion is met with zealous indignation.  Zealous, in that they instinctively define other perspectives as hostile, disallowing honest examination of any merits held by others.  Indignation is displayed in their vehement rebuttal of differing ideas based on emotional investment rather than factual review.  

When substantial evidence contradicts your opinion, you should seriously consider the probability that you hold the wrong position.  Being wrong doesn't mean you were stupid. It is the adherence to an indefensible position which defines terminal stupidity.

"An intelligent person, upon being presented with new information, is able to respond to change; not mired by the gravity and fear of loss, but inspired by the opportunity to know." - Charles Dashing

Rika <3

A Time for Healing

From past articles, readers know my poly-fidelitious relationship has caused discord with my parents, ultimately resulting in their silent condemnation.  After 3 years of estrangement, my mother has stepped forward with heartfelt apologies for time wasted over differing perspectives.

With a goal of reconciliation, after several email exchanges we met in person. We had both changed and grown since we last talked. In addition to catching each other up on the events of the past few years, we addressed some tough questions.
  
The lost time, the reasoning behind each of our perspectives, what led her to reach out to me.  

It was one of the most difficult yet connected discussions of our entire relationship. Neither of us abandoned our personal beliefs; what we did accomplish was hearing each other out, granting each other the respect to retain our individual beliefs.

The separation over the last few years taught us a better, kinder way to interact - giving us the wisdom to abandon the rigidity of who was right and who was wrong.  

Allowing for understanding.

                                       A place for healing.  
                      
                                                                   A new beginning.

As Charles once said:  
"Peace through Comprehension is a divine mission of all humanity. 
Without it, we are deaf, dumb and ultimately damned –

      --  unable to learn from anything we don’t already think we know."

Thank you, Mom.  I realize this wasn't easy for you - that my relationship is outside the norm of what you are accustomed to.  I appreciate you stepping outside of your comfort zone; creating the space for us to discuss our opposing viewpoints in a kind and respectful manner.  Relinquishing your grasp on what you consider ''perfect and ideal' grants life's rampancy the power to create its own unique harmony.  I am hopeful this recent growth will bring new depth to our relationship.  

Love, Rika

Love has no Labels

Why Poly? Couldn't you find your OWN man?

For those of you not familiar with my story, please visit a few of my previous postings for a proper introduction:  The Value of More and Why I Chose to be the Other Woman.

For my regular readers, please continue...

The majority of people I've 'come out' to have been very positive and accepting; however, perhaps due to politeness or discomfort, they are reticent to ask questions.
In this article, I'll answer one of the questions they don't ask about my poly relationship.

Let's get started.

Why poly?  Couldn't you find your own man?

Yes, actually, I could.  ^  ^
I was married for 20 years, but the relationship lacked emotional intimacy and commonalities.  After the kids grew up and left the house, I couldn't validate staying in an empty relationship simply for the sake of security and convenience.

The problem wasn't getting a man of my own, but finding the right one.....

I wanted More.

A man who noticed and appreciated the intracacies of my heart over the way I look in a great pair of jeans. A man who had a history of making ethical choices. Who creatively and fiercely invested in the people he cared for. Someone who tempered strength with wisdom. A man of character and integrity I could respect and trust.

Sound too good to be true?  I thought so too, for awhile.  In fact, I had reconciled myself to the fact that the 'right' guy just didn't exist.  I had come to the realization that being alone with my standards intact was better than getting involved with the wrong person. At my age, the dating pool is not limited to, but comprised primarily of:

(a) divorcees down on their luck, living with their roommate and getting rides to work from their friends
(b) guys trying to hit on you when they should've been home with their girlfriend/wife
(c) wanna-be hip-hop artists who bypassed an actual job in favor of spending the day in their basement, smoking weed, recording music and planning their success if they could manage to swing just the right deal
(d) guys who thought because I had a good job, nice car and paid my bills on time, that I'd be willing to take care of them as well - NOT!...or....
(e) nice, perfectly respectable guys who had a good job, lovely house, nice car, but had nothing interesting to talk about, whose main interest was falling asleep while watching tv and guzzling beer.

No, thank you!

While many of these guys may look appealing on the surface, closer examination often reveals people whose life experiences and accumulated baggage have thrown them off track.

When I encountered Charles, he literally seemed too good to be true. Surprisingly, the more emails we exchanged (I'm talking several hundred in-depth emails, not the "Hey, what's up, tell me something good" variety), the more questions I asked, the more readily he answered, the more time I spent around he and his family - I found he was exactly what he appeared to be.

The genuine article. (He still is.)

He was successful and well-respected in his professional life.  He had a lovely home, a sweet, sexy little car, was financially stable, dressed nicely, spoke intelligently and wrote eloquently.  He was witty, kind-hearted and very good-looking.

This is usually where the 'catch' happens; where the otherwise perfectly wonderful guy would divulge the fact that he was married, but conveniently, his wife didn't understand him, or they were getting a divorce.

Not so with Charles.  From the beginning, he spoke openly and proudly of his commitment to his wife of 18 years, the wonderful mom she was to their children, how she put herself through college while working full-time and taking care of the kids.  He smiled warmly when sharing how she greeted him with enthusiasm when he came home every night from work.  The love and respect they had for one another was apparent from the start.

He and Marie approached life with confidence and did what was right for their family even when it wasn't necessarily conventional.  They wanted to share their home and hearts with just the right person, and like myself, had all but given up on finding the perfect fit.

It was as though the three of us had been looking for one another.  From all angles, the stringent list of values and characteristics sought in long-term partners matched remarkably.  In a world where it's common to cheat, lie and have affairs; where insecurities can cause people to hold onto each other tightly and fearfully - an unconventional relationship of sharing time, resources and the best of each other made sense for our common set of values.
The three of us entered into this poly-fidelitous relationship willingly and with a great sense of optimism.

That was five years ago.  No regrets and going strong. <333

For the inside scoop on how our relationship functions, read How Does that Work, Exactly? and The Inner Workings of Our Poly Relationship,

Rika

Journeying

Charles recently discovered a new You Tube channel which has quickly become a family favorite.  Called The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, its purpose is to "define newly invented words for strangely powerful emotions".

The clip below was posted to their channel back in November.  It presents a poignant and thought-provoking look at life from a different perspective.
Enjoy!

Avenoir:  The Desire to See Memories in Advance

Panoramic View

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive....

and die only when you are dead. 

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. 
To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. 
Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. 
And never, never to forget.” ― Arundhati Roy

Rika

Suggested Reading for Parents

Readers of my past articles understand this blog began as an attempt to initiate dialogue with my parents, who've disagreed so strongly with my lifestyle choices they've stopped speaking to me.  Sadly, the lack of rational discussion and their subsequent total silence over the last two years leaves me with only one assumption... 

...Since I cannot conform to their preferences for my life - the deep concern their faith dictates for my eternal soul allows for the complete annihilation of our relationship.

I'm not the only one whose parents have vehemently disagreed with their adult children's choices regarding life partners, sexual orientation or faith.  It's quite common.

Parental reactions vary.

Some families fight it out with accompanying drama.  Some sweep it under the rug and pretend 'the elephant in the room' doesn't exist.  Some ignore and/or refuse any attempts at reconciliation.
Others flat out disown their children.

The following is a You Tube clip that surfaced a few weeks ago.  Its footage shows a son attempting a reasonable discussion with his parents about his homosexuality.  
His parents' reaction can only be described as horrific.  Shocking. Despicable.

Take a look at the video below - then spend a moment gauging your own reaction:

How not to React when your Child tells you that he's Gay

I imagine most parents who are unhappy with their child's life choices would passionately deny any resemblance between their own reactions and this type of behavior.  

Perhaps you've never been faced with a similar situation.  Maybe you sincerely believe you wouldn't react in such an unconscionable manner.  The truth is, theoretical philosophy often offers an entirely different perspective than that of empirical knowledge.

In the context of the situation in the above video clip, ask yourself these questions:

• How would you react if your child gave you similar news?
• Do you believe your child actually trusts you enough to tell you the truth?
• Would you rather your child pretended to be someone else in order to hold your approval, or be completely honest with you about their actual identity?
• When it comes to the unconditional love you promise your child, is that only in theory - or do you place certain conditions on that love?
• Do you feel that what's best for your child is what works for you as a parent?
• Is your greatest fear the reaction of others and losing your 'bragging rights'?
• Does this fear of 'losing face' with others influence your behavior towards your child?
• Do you believe that it's okay to guilt, shame or bully your child into behavior deemed acceptable, using 'tough love' when disapproval alone fails to work?
• Is clinging to your personal preferences worth the risk of losing the relationship you have with your child?
• How does being kind and respectful to your child translate into condoning their behavior?
• How does demonizing your child's entire character correspond to the love you felt for them BEFORE you knew about their 'secret'? 
• Could you ever be so upset at your child's life choices that you would actually strike them?  
• Would you go so far as to disown them?
• What is the obligation of every parent to their child? 
• When is it 'love' - and when is it abuse? 

If you've never considered things from this perspective, isn't it high time you did?

Rika

Is this the type of love you wish to give your child?

A Sky Full of Stars

This post is a tribute to Charles and Marie, my poly-fidelitous partners of the last 4 1/2 years:

While everyone has moments of heartache in their life, I never lose sight of the many good things within my grasp, including the two of you........

........Your love has been life-changing.

In a world where divided families are commonplace, those that remain intact can sometimes appear to do so for reasons of security and convenience.  I experienced this myself firsthand in a previous marriage, whose empty shell only lasted due to avoidance of addressing real issues - partners bound together solely by responsibility and routine. That life didn't work for me.

When I stumbled upon you, I discovered something completely different; a home where people genuinely cooperate to build a relationship enriched by daily acts of kindness. Life partners who hold personal accountability paramount and seek loving, viable solutions through open and honest discussion.  The investment of that time and effort is priceless and protects our longevity together.

With the decision to bring 'another woman' into your relationship, naysayers predicted it would break up your marriage. You proved them wrong by experiencing exponential growth and connectivity in your own relationship. You've been together for over 23 years now.  If they could see the way you two constantly laugh and tease each other like young teenagers in love, they would be forced to eat their words! 

When I first joined this relationship, my (previously) passive nature was overwhelmed by such a dynamic atmosphere! In a family of individuals rich with color, character and meaning, you allowed me some time to bask in the ambiance, but not for long! Instead, I was encouraged to jump in with both feet - forming my own opinions, finding my voice and realizing the unique flavor that I could contribute to the household.  Now we often joke that it's difficult to keep me quiet!  I appreciate your patience as I learned to temper my new found assertiveness with balance and compassion.

I appreciate you not caging me with selfish insecurities, as had been my experience in past relationships, but genuinely supporting my personal growth.  I truly needed the freedom to find myself; your brand of care has allowed me to reach new heights.  You gave me this gift realizing that someday it could mean I'd fly away from your nest...  yet the beauty in that freedom has woven our hearts closer together, not due to any need- but simply by choice. 
For never once treating me as a lesser partner; for giving me the space and freedom to build customized relationships with each of you - thank you.  

In my 46 years, I've never felt taller; laughed harder; loved more comprehensively, lived life more passionately, or felt more connected to who I am than I have in my time with the two of you.  You're the real thing. Irreplaceable, the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and an integral part of my future.  

We joke about retiring one day and moving into a nursing home together. 
They'll never see us coming, lol!

In a Sky full of Stars, it's You.  <333

Rika

A Sky Full of Stars - Coldplay