{Written to my dad after he and my stepmom met Charles and Marie for the first time. He is a man of deep religious faith - while we don't always agree, and he does not condone my poly relationship - he is able to acknowledge the happiness and peace I've found.}
Hi Daddy Dearest, Just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Some girls grow up without a father figure in their lives. Some girls grow up with a father that is present physically, but has mentally checked out, or abuses them emotionally, physically or worse. I've been very lucky - I am blessed with an amazing Dad who really loves me, at my best, at my worst, and everything in between. One who has consistently shown me love, support and encouragement, and tried to protect me from all evils, great and small. Who is willing to be honest, direct and acknowledge a better way for both himself and me to follow. A dad that is silly and makes me laugh, who shares his faith and heart, and is always available to listen and give advice, even if I choose not to follow it. You've given me a lifetime of beautiful memories and taught me many valuable lessons. The most valuable of them all stands above the rest: Unconditional Love. While I realize and understand that you don't agree with my lifestyle/relationship choice, the openness, love and warmth you have shown my new family means everything to me. I was so proud to share you and Grace and to have the people I love best in the world meet each other and exchange hearts, hugs and laughter. Thank you for proving to be exactly who I've always said you were, the best dad a girl could ever have! Love you! Rika
The strength of a man isn't measured by his muscles, it's measured by his heart. In a society where real men of character are few and far between, Charles stands head and shoulders above the rest.
During three years of dating, I discovered most men lacked character and compromised their values in one form or another. Instead of getting involved with someone who didn't quite measure up, I opted to stay single, keeping my high standards and peace of mind intact. After spending twenty years in an emotionally stunted marriage, I cherished my independence - it was just too valuable for me to settle for less. I wanted More - until I found what I was looking for, I was content to be alone.
Enter Charles - aka Superman. Good-looking, intelligent, well-spoken, charming - I was convinced he was too good to be true and would let me down. That was three years ago and I have yet to be disappointed! In fact, he still surprises me with the depth and exceptional nature of his love and care. He certainly isn't perfect, but from day one he has proven to be genuine and real, earning my loyalty and respect. From the start, he proved he was different than the rest. Instead of objectifying me physically, he invested copious amounts of time and energy into getting to know me on a deeper, heartfelt level. He understood that I was distrustful due to past relationships, and actively sought to earn my trust. In a unique relationship where he could easily treat me as second best, he honors and dignifies my place in the household as a 'wife'. Desiring only what's best for me, he encourages me to find personal fulfillment. He has helped me communicate more succinctly and taught me more effective ways to resolve conflict. (for more on this, readTools for Loving). Tender and sweet, he can turn an ordinary errand into a romantic date. Although he prefers to show his warm, playful side and loves to tease, he is vigilant and quick to fiercely protect those in his care. He treats Marie and I with respect, providing the boys with a positive role model on how to treat women, and frequently offers to help with household duties so we have more time to relax. An excellent father, he spends quality time with the boys, giving real life advice as they grow into strong young men. If each of us gave just a little bit more, there would be enough for everyone. He believes strongly in this statement and leads by example, selflessly. Even when he is exhausted, he will lend a helping hand where needed. He doesn't demand or take my love for granted, and works every day to earn my heart. I don't have to go back twenty-four hours to find something sweet and kind he did to demonstrate his care. If you happened to pass him on the street, you would be struck by his strong, handsome build, but what strikes me is his big, beautiful heart and the forever kind of love I see shining in his eyes. Who wouldn't want to be the one he loves? He may be an ordinary man, but he's my Superman.
Rika **Below is a love letter and a song Charles sent me recently. Just an example of the unique love he gives every single day. You can read more about his idea of romance on his blog,Test Life.**
Jamie Cullum - Love Ain't Gonna Let You Down
I am not loving you casually.
I am not loving you incidentally.
Nor is my care for you one of immature unkempt thoughts, nor simple physical attraction.
I am loving you fiercely. Head on. Chin up. Straight forward.
Unapologetically. Religiously and Romantically. Playfully and Practically. Honestly and Hopefully.
I've been practicing to love you all my life.
An Olympian for Love. A triathlete, your champion.
Faster, smarter and more than any other man you have ever known.
I will take on all challengers - and knock them down.
All save but one. Death.
((And if I can find a way to break that curse--I'll fly through that, too.))
So please stay close. Breathe with me. Hold my hand and follow where I lead.
Dip when I do and stand when I stand.
And I will get us through this life.
But I can't do it alone. I need your help.
I need your spirit and promise and your Everything, if we are going to make it.
Together. Intact. Happily and in Love.
For I have no greater function, no other mission.
To this, I am dedicated.
To this, I can make my promises and assure you of deliverance.
So that on the day that you finally lay me down,
my body broken, steel no more.
You will kiss my mortal lips one last time,
wiping tears from my eyes as the sparks shimmer and flicker out in them.
And whisper,
"Well Done, husband. You have made good on your word. I have loved and been loved well. Now rest. Sleep and wait for me."
And when you arrive,
I will be waiting,
Having pushed all black space and stars aside to make a path for you.
What kind of woman goes out of her way to share her husband and family with another female? One with a heart of amazing capacity for love and generosity of spirit - Marie. Marie was a driving force behind adding me to the family; however, translating this concept into a reality was as challenging as you would think! Combining a household where two females had different ways of approaching things was a bit of a hurdle, and we went through a normal adjustment period. This required discussion, a willingness to see the other person's point of view and working together to find the best compromise. After almost three years together, we have become comfortable in our individual roles and seamlessly cooperate to take care of the family - we all jokingly refer to me as her 'wife'! Sharing a husband also meant there were some insecurities and jealousies in the beginning. Being vulnerable with one other can sometimes be difficult for women, but with Charles' mediation, we grew to appreciate and value the true meaning of compersion. She is a staunch advocate in my relationship with Charles, and willingly shares the wisdom that comes from being married to him for twenty plus years. I in turn offer a fresh perspective on her own relationship with Charles. By promoting one another's relationships, it benefits the entire family. That's how love works!
Best Friends
We have forged a unique bond that can't be duplicated by a typical friendship. Having a live-in sister available every day who knows both me and the man I love inside and out is a privilege. Although we work diligently to take care of the family, we enjoy each other's company and have fun with it, teasing and dissolving in laughter over the silliest things! This makes Charles and the boys shake their head and roll their eyes at 'Women!', but secretly they love the positive energy Marie and I interject into the atmosphere of the household! To provide down time from the daily schedule and chores, Marie and I make sure we set aside a night each week for some 'girl time'. Sometimes we go out for dinner and a movie, or stay in to watch Netflix and play card games. The point is to spend quality time together and we look forward to it as the highlight of our week. It's our own version of stress relief and it works wonders! Marie is my best friend - sweet and fun to be around - she has a fierce heart dedicated to protecting her family and has proven her loyalty to me in countless ways. I literally wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. Thank goodness she was brave enough to go against society's rules of convention and embrace something More! Rika
The past three years with Charles and Marie has been the happiest I've ever been in my life! Our home rings with the sound of laughter, joy and positivity, but we have our moments, just like any other family. The way we handle those 'moments' can make all the difference between making or breaking our relationship. It has been said that the optimal time to gauge the true measure of your commitment is during the tough spots. It's easy to show your best side when everything is going well; however, character is best measured when unexpected or difficult events occur. Rather than face a difficult situation, some partners opt to use a ‘down’ as a chance to break up; however, if you are committed to making the relationship last for a lifetime, it's critical that you work together towards a solution. You can't rely on feelings - emotions are as variable as the weather and can contribute to bad decisions made in the heat of the moment.
Examining your relationship at times like these reveals two things in particular:
Gives you a true picture of yourself and your partners by showing what you each are really made of
Shows you the effort you are willing to invest to work it out
In my 'previous life' (as I like to refer to the time period before I met Charles and Marie), I was passive and tended to avoid confrontation. Being in a tri-lateral relationship with the Dashings has taught me to be more assertive and improved my communication skills. Charles in particular, being our relationship advocate, (read more about him and what this means in How Does That Work, Exactly?) has worked patiently with me to break old habits and form more constructive ways to handle 'bumps in the road'. I continue to learn and grow and certainly don't claim to have all of the answers; however, the following are some tools that when I apply and use them correctly, go a long way towards helping resolve conflict:
Trust in what you Know. This means that I rely on the strength and commitment of the relationship, knowing that regardless of whatever tumultuous feelings are present, we sincerely love each other and will do whatever it takes to work through the issue.
Clearly Communicate. Don't expect others to read your mind. Be honest and direct, don't speak around the issue.
Remove the Emotion and Ego. View the facts of the situation using logic. The goal should be to promote growth in the relationship, not make you feel validated by defending your actions and ego.
Examine the Motives of those involved. Was there malicious intent, or was the situation merely due to a miscommunication, misunderstanding or because someone was feeling disconnected?
Look at it from the other person’s Perspective. I may have perfectly good intentions, but ultimately, how the other person receives and perceives my actions is what matters most from their viewpoint.
Take Responsibility for your own Behavior. Realize that the only person I can change is myself. Regardless of what others do, I cannot blame someone else for my own reactions.
If the Shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Don't get caught up defending unnecessary or irrelevant sidebars that don't really apply to you or the situation at hand. It's a time-waster and can distract you from the real issue.
See the Big Picture. Everything is connected. Understand how this issue is related to your relationship in the long run, and how it affects things as a whole.
Find the Best Possible Solution for the Maximum Number of People. In any relationship, the best answer for the relationship is usually the best answer for the individual as well. Find a way to help everyone win.
Choose which Battles to Fight. Is this something you really need to take a stand on, or in the grand scheme of things, is it inconsequential?
Show Grace. If the one who has offended you is usually consistent with demonstrating their love and care for you, their investment should be viewed as 'money in the bank', and taken into consideration when viewing a perceived offense.
Acknowledge, Apologize and Atone. When you are at fault, acknowledge it immediately, sincerely apologize, and promptly find a way to make it up to the person you have wronged. Do this in a way that is customized both towards the person you have offended and also towards the nature of the offense.
Real relationships (vs. those you see in the movies or on tv) take work,but the results are well worth it! To prevent us from merely co-existing and tolerating each other, we believe it's crucial to invest time, energy and decided effort into maintaining and enriching the bond between us. Being in a decidedly unconventional relationship has presented a few challenges of its own; however, we keep it real, discussing openly - with an agenda of healing, not finger-pointing. I've grown closer to Charles and Marie in the three years I've been with them compared to the twenty years I was married to my ex-husband. That's a pretty powerful testament to love, commitment and honest, direct communication! We are determined to be the best we can be for one another - I look forward to many more years with my two best friends. ^ ^ Rika
How does a 40 something suburban housewife who loves high heels and french manicures discover she has an affinity for video games of the fighting variety? Prior to joining this family, my gaming experience was limited to Ms. Pacman, Atari style, and a random PS2 game of Frogger - and youknow that means it's been awhile since I played! However, in a household where the world of xbox is revered and enjoyed on a daily basis, that quickly changed. From the start, Charles, Sid and Kaz would passionately recount the thrills of gaming, eyes shining as they recounted stories of epic battles, impressive arsenals and 'dope' characters, all in the most minute detail. They are hardcore gamers and can easily lose track of time while sharing their favorite highlights, never noticing when your eyes start glazing over! I never mind though - it's rewarding to see them bond together over shared experiences - I'm now able to join in the conversation with a few of my own favorite gaming moments.
Buoyed by their enthusiasm and encouragement, I ventured into the sacred world of xbox. They introduced me to my first game, Left 4 Dead 2, a cooperative first person shooter that gives you the option of utilizing melee weapons against the undead. To my delight, we played this together as a family, and I learned to communicate effectively with my team so we could navigate the game successfully. I immediatelydeveloped a fondness for crouching in doorways, hitting the oncoming zombies over the head with a skillet, (my weapon of choice), as they tried to rush past me! No worries though, the rest of the family were standing right behind me and took care of the ones I missed! We still laugh to this day about how uncoordinated I used to be with the controller, (I'd climb up a ladder and turn in circles, bewildered and trying to get my bearings, because I had the camera angle wrong), but they have always been troopers about patiently giving me pointers and tips. To this day, they are available and quick to offer advice if I encounter a tough spot in a game.
Nick wielding a skillet in L4D2
After trying a few different genres, I found I preferred action-oriented games that caused mayhem over the quieter, more 'lady-like' games. The adrenaline rush experienced during these fighting games provides a very cathartic experience! Listed below are a few of my favorites that are must-haves in my personal library:
Unreal Tournament - this is an arena FPS (first person shooter), with head-to-head multi-player death matches against bots. One of my best memories of this game is when Sid's friend spent the night and the entire family, including Marie, (who also qualifies herself as a casual gamer) played this together. We had a blast, stopping only for the occasional snack, and kept playing until 7:30 the next morning!
Soul Calibur - a weapons-based 3D fighting game which allows you to play both arcade and story mode. You can create and customize characters - their clothing as well as their fighting styles. I made it to the 20th level on story mode and then got stuck, but pick it back up once in awhile, hoping to break through to level 21. No luck so far, but I definitely enjoy the sword fighting anyway!
Dead or Alive - a fast-paced game in a three-dimensional playing field with emphasis placed on striking characters quickly and efficiently. The physical contact and cool environmental changes keep your attention - earning new costumes gives you extra incentive for winning a match, in addition to the thrill of victory!
Blur - a racing game with stunning real world environments, fast cars and an awesome music soundtrack. This game allows you to collect power-ups and drop them on your competitors, damaging their vehicles and giving you an advantage in the race. Another family favorite for group gaming - we played this for hours with a recent out of town guest, with a lot of laughs and friendly competition!
Waterfront racetrack in Blur
Saints Row 2 - this action-adventure open world game can be played sandbox style or by accomplishing missions through the story mode. The environments are gorgeously detailed, with plenty of areas to explore. Charles and I had a lovely 'virtual date' one evening, while driving a jetski through an underground river in a Stilwater cavern- it was really quite romantic and still a special memory we remember fondly! He is currently playing this game with Marie, romancing her while they explore the city together. She swears it's almost as good as an actual date, and I certainly agree, for our charming Charles turns any occasion into a magical experience! I did have some trouble with some of the tougher missions in this game, but Charles, (who goes above and beyond in demonstrating his care) is finishing some of the more difficult ones for me, to make it less stressful for my casual-gaming style. (He actually did the same thing for Marie, what a sweetheart!)
Cruising the city of Stilwater in SR2
Saints Row 3 - this newest version of the game was long anticipated by Charles, Sid and I, and although it had a few crazy quirks that made for good fun, ultimately we discovered we preferred SR2 overall. Not only was this my first time standing in line outside the game store with the boys, waiting for the midnight release, but this was also the first time I paid full price and bought my own copy! Serious stuff. ^ ^
Although I'm certainly what you would consider a 'casual gamer', I appreciate the relaxation and value my xbox affords. While some would argue about the 'dangers' of video games, you can see that in our home, we use it not only for recreation, but as a positive tool to engage and connect with one another. Playing games together co-op style improves our communication and team work skills, translating effectively IRL (in real life). It's also wonderful for stress relief and just plain good fun!
Rika
“We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing!” Benjamin Franklin
