What's Your Super Power?

In our daily conversations, Charles and I often engage one another in dreamy philosophical games, the way nerdy kids might debate the nuances of Star Wars vs Star Trek. Often, these chats are overtures for a much deeper dialogue... but we express them in ways which are playful. Even controversial subjects need not always be such grim fare. 

Recently, he posed an insightful query to me in the form of an age old fanboy favorite: Which Super Power would you have? While the discussion was lively and brief, it did spark some rather interesting observations. I thought I'd share that with you, below. 

Read the question and qualifiers, and answer as truthfully as you dare. Once you've done so - read below the LINE OF TRUTH to reveal what your chosen super power may mean about your secret identity. 

Fun and Fascinating stuff! 

Enjoy,
-Rika

A simple question about imaginary and complex things.

- Which super power would you chose: Invisibility or Flight?

Consider carefully which you would prefer, as it will be your only superpower.

Some clarifications to consider:

• Invisibility only pertains to your body and your clothes, not things you pick up. Nor does it make you super silent, super strong or otherwise impervious to detection.
• Flight would be capped at speeds up to 200mph, with heights limited to the breathable atmosphere. You are not rendered impervious to cold, wind or damage from collisions.

This is all the information I can provide.  Now… make your decision.

Which would you choose? 

Why? -- what would you do with your ability? 

Think about it if you must, but answer simply.  No more than a line or two.

Once you've prepared your answer -- continue on to the section below. 

Here’s what it could all mean:

The options for Flight and Invisibility touch a nerve in the Human spirit. They speak to two very different primal desires and personality types.

One is about something obvious, while the other is about being hidden. Thus… some might say that they indicate your level of shame.

Flight has nothing to hide – while invisibility is all about guile. Wanting to be invisible means you are a more guileful person, while flight is guileless.

Flight is the choice of the Hero Archetype: selfless, confident and unashamed.

And therefore invisibility --  becomes the cloak of a would-be Villain. It is the sneakier power…. calculating and crouching in order to obfuscate, manipulate or infringe.

Flight represents a desire to see all of a situation. To know more and have the option to act upon what is detected.

Invisibility however, is clearly about remaining undetected, while being able to see others. That demonstrates a desire to place others at a disadvantage… while capitalizing on their vulnerability. Or at the very least, to hide yourself for fear of being revealed.

In the end, however – neither is truly definitive of a person in real life.  This isn’t a clear-cut situation of What kind of person flies vs. What kind of person fades.

Truth is - - we all do both. Of course we do.

So then, perhaps the true dilemma is revealed in this closing query: 

Given the choice, which is your inclination – the person you truly wish you could be?  Or … the person you fear you truly are?

- C.D. 

Inspired by the broadcast This American Life. “ Super Powers “ aired Oct 20 2013

The Inside Scoop

Imagine you were accused of something but never given the chance to defend yourself.  After hurling illogical and unfounded insults, your accusers hid in the shadows and refused any attempts for mediation.  Furthermore, your efforts to promote harmony and peace were seen as manipulative, simply because of the way you eloquently presented your perspective.

In my previous postings, I’ve presented an accurate picture of our thriving poly home life.  Although we’ve found remarkable joy in the cohesive family unit we’ve worked so diligently to build, there has also been steady opposition from family members who would rather tear us apart than rejoice with us in our growing happiness.  Many invitations have been extended for them to visit our home to get a balanced perspective of how things work, yet instead they have chosen to raise objections that have no basis in truth, since they are on the outside looking in.  They need only step inside to witness first-hand the actual reality of our loving home environment. 

As you can see by the links I’ve included in this and previous entries, Charles and I have diligently attempted to keep the doors of communication open in order to bring healing and restoration to our families.  Throughout our writings you will consistently see disclaimers along these lines: We understand our lifestyle is not the social norm, and under no circumstances should be entered into lightly or irresponsibly.  We freely acknowledge it’s not for everyone; however, our solid history speaks volumes on how it unquestionably works well for us.  

This rational approach to help our families understand our perspective has unfortunately been perceived as manipulation.  To date, the 75 combined entries we've posted in the last ten months are not our only efforts; additionally, there have been emails and phone calls initiated over the last 3 ½ years. The responses to these attempts have been minimal and met with a rigid unwillingness for further discussion.  Our message has been consistent – we simply offer More love, more kindness and more resource.

In the face of irrefutable logic, however, our families keep side-stepping with ever-changing reasons for their objections. The initial reactions of “This is just a phase.”,  “Rika will tear the family apart.”, “You’re being manipulated." , "You don’t know your own mind.”, “You’re going straight to he** and taking them with you.” - have been eroded to “I just don’t like it.", "I don't agree with it.”, and recently have fallen into complete silence.

Charles and I aren’t the only ones involved in promoting healing - both Marie and the boys have been supportive of our efforts, allowing us the time needed to devote to our writing. In fact, it seems the more effort we waste in trying to work with them, the more unified we become!  It hasn’t been easy to deal with their negativity. In fact, at moments we've questioned if reaching out to them is worth the investment of our goodwill, when we have so many other positive things to focus on - yet we continue to do the right thing and be ambassadors for peace. 

Charles in particular is tireless in his efforts. In the midst of the rejection and pain we have experienced, he has not cowered in the face of opposition.  He has not resorted to the negativity that has become the sole characteristic of objections to our family structure. Instead, he displays humble consistency as he demonstrates the very essence of what love should be.  A magnanimous and loving spirit speaks positively and clearly.  I couldn’t be prouder of the man I fell in love with.  His character continues to win my heart - and has unequivocally earned my loyalty – for a lifetime.

HVZEL - Killer **

**Despite the name, this is a beautiful song.  Charles played it for me immediately after we exchanged commitment vows.**

Our message will always be one of More. A message of hope does not require unconditional surrender, only the fortitude to do the right thing.

In the meantime, be assured that our lives continue to reap the abundant rewards of a life well-lived. 

Rika

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
- Theodore Roosevelt (Man in the Arena speech 1910)

“He who takes offense when offense was not intended is a fool, yet he who takes offense when offense IS intended is an even greater fool, for he has succumbed to the will of his adversary.” – Brigham Young

Yaaay!!

A Very Happy Girl!!

Click on the link above to read about a very special celebration between Charles, Marie and myself this past weekend.

The Summer in Anime

It's been a fantastic summer with Charles and Marie!  Below are a few anime images that capture the highlights of my summer days and nights. Enjoy!

A  Magical Kiss in the Rain from Charles

Planting Flowers with Marie 

Holding a Beautiful New Granddaughter

Cuddling with Charles while Enjoying the Sunset

Playing Tennis with Marie

Driving a Boat on Lake Macatawa

Playing Saints Row 4 with Charles

Hanging Out with my Two Best Friends

The little girl in this video captures it perfectly - I love my life!!

Rika

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." 

- Danny Kaye

If You're Fond of Sand Dunes

Life in our household is a blend of daily responsibilities mixed with plenty of warm companionship. Like most families, we try to take a vacation together once a year.  We truly enjoy each others' company, so the added bonus of hanging out together without interruption is appreciated by all. Unfortunately, Sid was unable to join us this time around due to his work schedule; however, we are already making plans to take him, Kitty, her boyfriend and new baby with us next year.

Vacations are a special event around our home.  Weeks before, hours of research go into finding just the right location.  Marie is particularly skilled at finding great deals that fit our family budget; this year she found us a lovely condo right on the beach, with a gorgeous view of the marina right outside our window. Charles stayed up literally all night prior to departure day, creating a fresh music playlist of over 50 songs.  As the family's Master Entertainer, this is one of his specialties; he delights in turning this project into a labor of love, bringing us fresh, new music while including remixes of old favorites for each of us. This playlist is an important part of our trip; the music starts as soon as we pull out of our driveway and plays during the entire car ride, while we sing along to the soundtrack.  Along the way, as we listened to a particularly beautiful melody, it started raining quite heavily. I've included it, below. 
Everyone loves it, but the overall effect was quite a treat to Charles and I, who happen to adore rain and thunderstorms.

Once we arrived, we unpacked and eagerly set out to explore our surroundings, a favorite being the pier at the marina.  Not only did we enjoy a few evening strolls during our stay, but waking up each morning to see the sunrise dancing across the water and docked boats was a magical sight.  We also discovered a small convenience store on the premises which supplied us with all the necessary staples. Kaz loved having the convenience of purchasing his favorite snack, and being a candy lover myself, I must admit that I enjoyed it as well!

The Bay

The first night of our stay we were truly kids at heart, staying up till the wee hours of the morning.  With our vacation music playing in the background, we had a blast playing with remote control helicopters and orbit light toys, courtesy of Charles.  The next morning we received a special wake up call....Marie had planned to surprise us with a lavish breakfast (pancakes, eggs and bacon) while everyone else slept in. Unfortunately, due to a tiny corner of burnt bacon, we not only arose to the delicious aroma, but the shrill sounds of the fire alarm going off!  After the initial shock and frantic moments of trying to remove the alarm's battery, we all had a good laugh over the experience.  As we finally sat down to enjoy Marie's cooking, we gave her a bit of good-natured teasing, but also showered her with plenty of gratitude for being such a sweetheart.

Although we didn't experience terribly hot weather during our stay, the days that followed were filled with plenty of sunshine and joy. Marie and I visited the on-site pool with Kaz, giggling hysterically as we splashed about in the rather cool water.  We also visited a local beach and had a similar experience, laughing through chattering teeth as we braved the chilly tide. We didn't let that dampen our spirits; Marie and Kaz tossed a football back and forth in the water, and when Charles decided he'd had enough of the icy lake, he and I flew miniature kites together.  All of us were having such a good time we stayed until dusk, and were rewarded with a lovely sunset.

Beautiful Evening

When the weather turned rainy one afternoon, we sought out a local laser tag/video game arcade, discovering we had the entire place to ourselves! Charles and Kaz played an 1-on-1 game of laser tag, while Marie and I enjoyed several games of virtual bowling. We felt right at home thanks to the friendly employees, and left their establishment with smiles all around.

Our favorite experience though, was what we refer to as 'Boating Day'. Armed with life jackets and a snack cooler, we rented a powerboat for a couple of hours.  This was a new experience for our family but we quickly discovered we took to it like 'ducks to water'. Charles and I took turns driving, enthralled with the sun and wind as we sped carefully around the lake, pulling Marie and Kaz behind us on a large water raft. They had big grins on their faces the entire time. Although I was quite nervous, I took a turn on the raft with Marie, who kept assuring me it was great fun and I would be just fine. I'm glad I took the opportunity to try the experience; however, I very quickly decided I preferred driving! She, however, not only adored the tubing experience, but attempted to water ski as well. Loving her as we do, it was a pleasure for Charles and I to witness her exuberant joy - the smile never left her face!  Another treat was to hear Kaz remark that he would remember this day for the rest of his life!  
Not only an absolutely enchanting day, but a beautiful way to bond as a family.  

If You're Fond of Sand Dunes

We had so much fun on the water during our trip, that the weekend following our return home, Marie and I sought out a local state park marina - renting a wave runner and adding yet another new adventure to our repertoire of fun. Plans are in the works to share this activity with the boys - we are confident they will enjoy it as much as we did.

As I've stated on more than one occasion - my life is ridiculously awesome. While I am ever cognizant that not everyone enjoys such a peaceful home life, I am grateful to have such wonderful life-partners as Charles and Marie. Working together with them through our share of tough spots has resulted in sincere appreciation for the many wonderful memories we've created together over the years.  I am deeply appreciative that I literally stumbled onto a such a treasure at this time in my life. 

Those who disapprove of my poly lifestyle tell me the Dashings are not my family. Since they consistently refuse to accept our open invitation to witness it firsthand, they are unaware that their ignorance is far removed from actual truth.  Frankly, there is no need to defend the obvious - our shared history and bonding experiences - the tender expressions on our faces, the swelling of our hearts when we witness each others' joy - these are all proof enough. 

I had a terrific vacation with my family!

Rika

"Never apologize for love." - Tivi

LOV - August, Sunset

** Want to read more about our experiences?  Click Here

Open Hands vs. Closed Fists

Disclaimer:  If you have wandered onto this posting by chance, I apologize. You are free to continue reading; however, please understand this article is not intended for the general public.  This, is personal - for a very specific audience.  For that same reason, certain words below that are bolded in blue link to important material.

There comes a time in a girl's life when enough is enough.  When logic and reason don't soften hearts of stone, it becomes necessary to speak plainly, based upon principal alone. 

Charles and I started our blogs to reach the hearts of family members who disapprove of our poly lifestyle to the point of annihilation.  Since poly-fidelity is neither widely known nor socially 'conventional', it became crucial to include a bit of 'poly education' in our writings, to prevent any misconceptions about our lifestyle.  Cognizant that this is a personal preference, we sought to present a balanced perspective that highlights the benefits of our family structure, while allowing for differences of opinion.  

It's important to note that our attempts at reconciliation have been ongoing for over 3 years; our combined writings via this particular method total over 60 postings!  Throughout the entries, we have consistently included a disclaimer stating we don't have all of the answers and can only speak for ourselves.  

That will always be the case. Personally, I believe that unless I've exhausted all possible knowledge on every given subject, I'm not a qualified expert - on anything.  Our opinions and personal experience are only meaningful to us as individuals; they have no relevance to anyone else.  

Unfortunately, our heartfelt attempts to open the doors of communication between our families have been perceived as 'pushing poly down their throats'.  Instead of being open to reasonable discussion, we have been rewarded with cowardly silence, illogical accusations, or dogmatic insistence that we break up our poly family.

This, from Christians - whose faith mandates they present their god as a loving father - who claim his message is one of warmth and tenderness, but instead - represent him with an iron fist which threatens us with eternal damnation if we don't obediently comply by 'freely choosing' him.

This, from parents - whose primary purpose was to teach us to treat one another with respect - to prepare us for successful interaction with others in a diverse and colorful world - yet refuse to even acknowledge the existence of our life partners.

By their own standards, they have fallen woefully short on both counts.

I respect those who are sincere and accurately represent their faith. I understand how to 'play nicely' with those who have different viewpoints than my own.  I interpret personal opinion as exactly that - personal.  What I take issue with is this: the glaring flaw in keeping a death grip on bigotry when mere acceptance would yield so much More. 

It's the difference between having Open Hands or Closed Fists.

Open Hands encourage communication, even if it means you ultimately 'agree to disagree'.
Closed Fists prefer silence, breaking it only to speak accusations that have no basis in truth.

Open Hands promote reconciliation by using reason to find common realities.
Closed Fists refuse to compromise, preferring dogmatic bullying and zealotry.

Open Hands research multiple perspectives in order to reach a logical conclusion.
Closed Fists utilize a sole resource as the final authority on any given subject and do not consider opposing viewpoints as valid.

Open Hands understand there are as many paths to enlightenment as there are cultures.
Closed Fists label you 'insincere and sinister' if you don't conform to their agenda of converting you to the 'one true way'.

Open Hands speak intelligently and use creative examples to communicate their perspective.
Closed Fists label this eloquence as being manipulative to flatter self-inflated egos.

Open Hands realize that in today's complex culture, the term 'family' has widened to describe deeply committed comprehensive relationships, not just genealogical relativity. People can form unique connections which bond them just as closely as blood or law; if the relationship is positive, healthy and inclusive it should be respected, even if unconventional.  
Closed Fists, however, engage in exclusive actions, refusing to acknowledge even solidified long-term relationships for their own personal reasons, even when those relationships are validated by the proof and history of the people within them.  

The concept of the closed fist is as ridiculous and lonely as it sounds.  

What was labeled a 'phase' at the onset of this relationship is moving successfully into its 4th year.  It hasn't just happened - it's the result of dedication and teamwork.  Although positivity and kindness are default characteristics of our home life, we've also encountered a few tough moments. Instead of granting those obstacles the power to tear us apart, however; we have used them as tools to strengthen our bond as a family.  

The evidence that our relationship is working far outweighs the opposing argument of "I just don't like it." or "I just don't agree with it.".

Consider the following:

No one lives forever.  While every religion in the world has its own belief, where we end up in the afterlife has yet to be proven.  However, many would say that how we manage our mortal lives Now determines where we spend eternity.  
If I'm wrong, what do you have to lose by trying?  
If I'm right, how much will you continue to lose by not?

We acknowledge that you don't agree with our lifestyle. That's okay.  
We understand you are unfamiliar with our poly structure and this makes you hesitant. That's natural and might be overcome by spending a little time with us.
We realize that until you do, you will not be able to see us for who we are: a family.
Everyone involved has so many good things to share, so many great reasons to come together.  
Reasons that don't seek to take away your individuality, but only hope to add to your joy. 

Our hands are outstretched, open.

Rika

Pete Townshend 'Let My Love Open The Door'

Twin Stars ~*

She is amazing.  

I thought she was extraordinary when I met her - not only was she willing to give me a chance to join her family, but she encouraged Charles to pursue me. She was involved at every step of the way during the courtship, (literally) hundreds of emails Charles and I exchanged before we ever met.  After many questions, answers and discussions from every possible angle, her words to Charles were, "Go get her!"  

Since then, I have grown to respect and admire Marie on many levels. While Charles is our very own Superman, she is the life-force of this family. Over the last three years plus, she and I have developed an honest, real friendship that has blossomed into one of the best things in my life.

This is a woman with whom I can talk about everything under the sun, who willingly listens and offers advice when needed.  Who insisted from Day One that I take ownership and immerse myself as a member of this household; who honors and respects me as a wife to Charles. In fact, she is currently helping he and I plan a Commitment Ceremony and honeymoon to celebrate my permanent status as a member of our family.

Marie is an assertive personality when needed, but she is also a girl that knows how to be light-hearted and have fun!  She delights in acting silly - dancing around the kitchen like a 7 year old, solely to solicit laughs from Charles and I.  It works every time- we giggle back at her, smiling and warmed – a magic she creates simply by being herself. 

Besides the obvious benefits of the sister I never had- sharing clothes, shoes, makeup and more; we both sincerely appreciate each other's companionship.  We enjoy working together - planting flowers in the yard, washing our cars in the driveway, singing old 80’s songs together in the kitchen (music provided courtesy of Charles) – but some of our favorite times happen randomly, resulting in special memories.

One of our most unforgettable moments happened purely by chance.  We set out to take a walk through a local park and accidentally ended up on a trek ALL around town.  Even though it was in ninety degree heat, we didn’t get grumpy; instead, we made the best of things by chanting military cadences and making faces at one other.  This resulted in ridiculous laughter, despite the weather.  We brought home sunburned smiles to Charles, who laughed at our tale of unexpected adventure.

Just this past weekend, we created another impromptu memory. Charles (the charming gent that he is) escorted the two of us on a casual outing that included grocery shopping for vegetables, followed by a relaxing dinner at a local Italian restaurant. Later, just for fun, we stopped at Toys 'R' Us. While Charles didn't get anything for himself, he did pick up a fun little token for Kaz. Meanwhile, Marie and I happened upon the Play-Doh aisle, where we discovered that we shared a fondness for the colorful dough from our childhood. This resulted in a giggly impulsive purchase, as we remembered its nostalgic smell from our childhood memories.

  

Upon returning home for the evening, we decided there was no time like the present to showcase our artistic abilities! With Charles as our DJ, Marie and I promptly set about crafting little figures at the kitchen table. We sang along to the music and enjoyed ourselves immensely. A few minutes into my creation, my concentration broke as I noticed Marie stealing quizzical glances at my side of the table. Being under the misconception that my final product would confirm my creative abilities, I did my best to block her view, insisting that she wait till I was done. Unfortunately, the end result left no question that my artistic abilities are best left unconfirmed! Marie’s creations were much more at least recognizable!  We had the best time, content to be kids again, recreating a favorite childish pastime.

The true meaning of living 'organically' in the Now: a grocery errand that evolved into a beautiful dinner for three, and ended with togetherness, Dashing-style. 

I never imagined making a new best friend at this stage in my mid-life. While the relationship is often playful and silly, the truth is, she is an exceptional woman who didn't let convention define her family, but fiercely embraced me as her own.

It has been said that a person is fortunate to have one or two good friends during a lifetime. I consider myself lucky to have the best of both worlds. While Charles is the love of my life and my best friend in his own right...

...she is an exceptional girlfriend and my Best Friend Forever.

Rika

_______________________________________________________________

ABOUT THIS POSTING:  

My colleagues at the office are aware of my poly family structure, and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. People want to know how it works; how Marie and I are able to share Charles without jealousy. Most people find it hard to believe that it's possible for two women to get along when they are in love with the same man. This is not only my favorite question to answer, but the easiest - because we've proven time and again that kindness wins over petty insecurities. 

Let me assure you; the article above isn’t about me telling anyone else how to live, just about the reality of my life and my family. Such positive feelings about the people you love are appropriate; it doesn’t matter how your family is constructed. 

Family isn’t just a matter of genealogical archetypes, because loving someone isn’t merely about a formula or a license - it’s about the relationship.
The truth about the construction of any relationship is displayed in how you get along, and the love which bonds you together.  
This post is about my best friend, sister and partner -  whatever the label. 
It just means I love her.

A Cornucopia of Blessings

It's been awhile since I've written, so let me share a quick update.

Charles, Marie and I have been so immersed in the plethora of good things our extraordinary life affords, I've found it difficult to tear myself away from everything to write.  We've seen one son get a new job, another a new girlfriend, and are also joyfully anticipating our daughter giving birth to the very first grandchild!  Marie and I spent a recent weekend visiting an amusement park, losing our voices as we laughed and screamed with delight while riding coaster after roller coaster.  We also shared childhood memories, and reminisced about the last three years we've spent together with Charles, discussing plans for our family's future.  We were so excited that instead of coming home from the park exhausted, we literally walked in the door and immediately set to work moving furniture and redesigning two rooms in the house!  Additionally, Charles recently introduced us to an excellent co-op video game that has the entire household playing together at every opportunity, saturating almost every conversation with our latest virtual adventures!  

It's not that everything goes our way.  It's just that the three of us have a good attitude when things don't.

Other important news.

In Keeping it Real, I mentioned my plan to reveal my poly relationship status to my co-workers.  My colleagues represent all walks of life, including several who hold religious and/or conservative viewpoints.  I had no guarantee how this information would be received, but felt it important to share this important detail of my identity.  Since most people are unfamiliar with my particular family structure, I was obligated to include a bit of 'poly education' in my presentation.  

It's not easy to broach a subject which most would label socially awkward; however, I am thrilled to report that my 'coming out' was very well-received. Initially, the reaction was a raised eyebrow and quizzical expression, as they grasped the fact that my family included 'another woman'!  Although a bit surprised at my unusual announcement, after asking a few questions, they were able to acknowledge the benefits of such an arrangement.  I'm convinced that since I've always spoken well of the excellent relationship Charles and I share, it was easier for them to transition and accept this detail as part of my peaceful and connected home life.

It's been several weeks since I shared my news, and I have yet to be treated any differently.  No odd looks, just the same respect and warmth I've always encountered.  Actually, there's even been some good-natured teasing on occasion!  

When trading 'weekend stories' on a Monday morning, I'm now able to share the full truth, instead of holding back part of the story and speaking only of Charles and the boys.  It's intrinsic to who I am, and gives both Marie and our extraordinary relationship the respect it deserves.  I am not naive enough to believe it will always be so positively received.  In fact, sometimes the criticism can come from where you least expect it.

A close family member who previously always demonstrated overwhelming love and support, chose to regard this lifestyle choice as grounds for rejection and separation.  Reconciliation will always be welcome, but after multiple attempts at rational conversation have failed, there is no purpose gained by allowing the shamefulness of their actions to cast negative shadows on my happiness.  The reality of dealing with a situation of this nature can affect me positively or negatively.  I choose to move forward.  Buddha is quoted as saying, "Being angry is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."  

The shared joy and tender memories they are missing out on by holding onto such a rigid mindset is retribution enough.  

In the meantime, my heart and life are overflowing, surrounded by genuine, kind hearts and positive options for personal growth.  Charles and I often remark on the quandry of choosing between so many good things with which to occupy our time.  The truth is, I'm enjoying my life so much - I often intentionally sacrifice sleep in order to extend every single moment of my waking world.

Rika

“The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth.” - Albert Einstein