Growing Pains

To those who have a solid grasp on reality and don’t need such a reminder, please disregard the following disclaimer:  The opinions presented in this article are my own personal viewpoint based upon what has and has not worked for me. Under no circumstance should they be misinterpreted as my attempt to take over the universe by convincing others to adopt my beliefs.  Without the personal conviction of life experience and relevant understanding, that would be unwise - yet there are those who interpret free speech shared via a personal blog article as dictating a certain agenda.  It is these individuals that necessitate the constant disclaimer you see here and sprinkled throughout my previous writings.

"I want to grow.".  It indicates we want to be better, stronger, more centered...but is this something we genuinely desire to attain, or just a lofty goal designed to impress ourselves and others?  Are we open to growth only when it's convenient, or are we willing to pursue it in the midst of adversity? Personally, I think the universe sends challenging situations our way when we least expect it - and quite frankly, when we'd rather just 'take the day off from growing'.  

Growth doesn't always immediately involve 'forward motion';  sometimes it involves stepping backwards and dismantling preconceived ideas.  Philosophies deemed worthy at inception risk being mere words until they are tested and proven by personal circumstance.  It's eye-opening to experience your carefully protected beliefs crumble into an idea glued together by an emotional attachment.  It takes strength of purpose to move forward without the crutch they've provided up to this point.  For those concepts that don't make the cut when we're forced to confront them in real life, our egos can make it tough to let go.  Admitting we're wrong takes humbleness and grace, even if it's only ourselves we must face with our newfound revelations. 

Sometimes that can be the most difficult of all.

I've learned that while growing is both challenging and addictive, it can also come with a pricetag attached.  As we evolve our thinking based upon personal experience and logic, our insights may not fall within what's 'popular' or coincide with the 'Best' that others profess to want for us as individuals. Unfortunately, sometimes our growth makes other people uncomfortable - especially if it accidentally exposes their own reticence to grow.

My parents, in particular, weren't exactly thrilled upon learning about my poly lifestyle, but were doing their best to cope.  Initially, they did a fantastic job of welcoming my family as theirs; Charles and Marie were impressed by how well my parents embraced them, in spite of not condoning the situation.  We were thrilled at the prospect of all-inclusive family gatherings and made future plans to get together again.

Buoyed by their ability to handle an unfamiliar situation, I opened up to them about my change of heart regarding their religious beliefs.  Even though that particular decision was years in the making, suddenly the newness and strangeness of my recent lifestyle choices were blamed.  Multiple attempts to work with my parents toward some type of compromise were not met with favor; ultimately, my 'lack of faith' proved the catalyst for enstrangement between our families.  

I am greatly saddened by not having them involved in our lives, but I can no more go back to who I was several years ago than I can go back to being 25. Regardless of whether their objections stem from a genuine heart of concern or from their discomfort with my family structure - it hasn't been easy to deal with.  Any situation can become a positive learning experience, however, and this conflict served as an impetus for positive self-discovery.

• It drove home the fact that being passive about something important causes issues down the road when you are finally brave enough to address it.  I am no longer passive, and speak my opinions honestly and assertively.
• It spurred me to learn more about other faiths and belief systems, which solidified my own viewpoints on religion.  Although I'm by no means an expert, I'm definitely more educated about this subject than I ever was growing up in the midst of a faith-filled environment.
• I've learned that sometimes people have an emotional attachment to ideas and philosophies which prevent their ability to change their mind.  I've developed the grace that allows me to accept that I can't win every battle; I don't need to.
• It reiterated the need to have a strong sense of self-identity, one that isn't based upon external circumstances or other people.  I've found that I'm my own best friend, and who I am, deep down on the inside, is fueled by core convictions and my willingness to understand.
• It's become easier to step back and see the big picture, and use logic to isolate facts from the emotions that can cloud the issue at hand.  Using this filter process allows me to pick myself up when I fall, instead of needing someone to come and rescue me.

Instead of seeking impossible perfection, I've learned the best way to achieve peace and contentment is being honest enough to let go, to change.

I've discovered I can't make everyone happy - I'm only obligated to handle my own 'shi*, and to keep fighting for what's right.  

Rika

"Victory comes in shallow breaths." - Tivius

Katy Perry - Roar - Lyrics below

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You'll hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar...

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

Gamer Girl Highlights 2013

In January of this year, I posted an article called Female, Forty and Fighting, in which I described myself as a casual gamer.  Looking back, I have to smile at how I've morphed into a dedicated gamer over the last several months.  I'm still every bit the girly-girl I've always been, but now I also live and breathe game-speak to the point where my co-workers know better than to ask me what I did over the weekend; they realize they'll get an enthusiastic earful of my latest adventures in gaming!  At home when we share anecdotes or stories, we've developed the habit of qualifying it beforehand as either IRL (in real life) or IVL (in virtual life), just so there's no confusion! 

A quite accurate example of facial expressions I make during gaming, lol.

We haven't yet succumbed to the Xbox One yet.  With as many Xbox 360s in the household as there are family members, this would be quite an expense - plus we're so immersed in our current game we are quite content to wait and let them work out the kinks first. 

Below I'll share a little bit about this year's gaming highlights; if you haven't already, I highly recommend you try them out for yourself!

Skylanders Giants 

Skylanders and Skylanders Giants - originally intended as children's games, we soon found that the average age of players were in their mid-30s.  With light-up action figures placed upon a portal of power, this beat-em-up, loot-collecting game lets you level up your characters' special abilities and defeat the bad guys, mash-up cartoon style.  It's a blast to play, addicting and admittedly rather expensive, as it keeps you eagerly browsing the stores to add to your character collection.  There are about 70 in all, if you include their latest game, Swap Force. We couldn't bear to part with our beloved characters after we finished the game and have them safely packed away, planning to share them with our grandchildren when the time comes!

Defiance

Defiance - a massive multi-player online role-playing game (MMORPG) third-person shooter set in an open world post-apocalyptic landscape.  One of my favorite features of the game are the Arkfalls, in which you battle co-op with up to 20 other online players to defeat giant creatures and collect the loot left behind.  This was my very first MMORPG and a major turning point in the development of my shooting, strategy and stealth skills.  This game was also tied into the Defiance TV series; the entire family enjoyed watching this well-written science fiction drama where humans and intelligent extraterrestrial species coexist.

Saints Row 4

Saints Row 4 - a third-person shooter action-adventure game where you play a character placed in a computer simulation by invading aliens.  Throughout the game you earn and develop superhero abilities that enable you to leap over tall buildings in a single bound and glide through the air effortlessly.  These powers aid you in eventually reclaiming earth back from the aliens through campaign missions and side quests.  Navigating in games has never been my strong point, but this game's ridiculous powers allowed me to improve that particular gaming skill.

GTA 5 (Grand Theft Auto 5) - the offline story mode allows you to switch between the intertwining lives of 3 characters in a third-person open world environment.  In Charles' opinion, veteran gamer that he is, it has one of the best story lines he's ever experienced in a video game. 
Story modes aren't usually my favorite, but as soon as I tried it, I quickly got caught up in the lives of the characters.  I'm currently completing the 
side missions necessary to gather the needed items for my first heist.

My real love, though, is the 16 multi-player online version.  Although it had a few issues upon release, most of these have been fixed and a generous $500K stimulus bestowed by Rockstar Games as remediation for those of us who experienced the initial glitches.  It recovered quickly, moving on to win Game of the Year at the 2013 Golden Joystick Awards held in London this past October,  and is also the proud owner of 7 Guinness World Records.  It also boasts the largest playable area in an open world title - approximately 50 square miles; for comparison's sake, the city of Manhattan is roughly 34 square miles.

City of Los Santos at Night

Against the gorgeous setting of Los Santos, not only can you explore the city's scenery in sandbox mode and complete the usual missions, side quests, death matches and survival missions that are intrinsic to the game - you're also able to sky dive and scuba dive, compete in tennis, golf, dart, and arm-wrestling matches as well as land, sea and air races. You can buy an apartment with up to a 10 car garage, have your friends over to visit, and work together keeping the peace or playing havoc by stealing fighter jets from the military base and escaping the cops - the choices are up to you.  The detail of the object permanence along with the dialogue of the city's inhabitants is amazing.

Night View from my GTAV apartment

It's become the entire family's obsession for the last two months; after our household responsibilities are done, we've had several weekends and endless weeknights filled with family co-op sessions of GTA 5 online.  Marie and I particularly enjoy the playing the survival missions together.  Throughout the mission, we keep a random commentary going that has Charles laughing and promising to release a 'Housewives of GTA 5' on You Tube!

Survival Mission: Boneyard

While I love playing with the family,  I enjoy developing and employing my own strategies to defeat enemies single-handedly.  I love the thrill of satisfaction that comes with completing a challenging mission on my own.  I've become quite adept at handling a sniper and assault rifle, and can't wait to level up enough to unlock my favorite weapon of all time - the invincible rocket-launcher! 

It is unfortunate that video games get such a bad rap and and get the blame when a tragedy happens.  I'm no more likely to take a gun and shoot someone in real life because I played a video game, than I am to become an artist by going to an art show, or rape someone because I'm an athiest who is portrayed as having no 'Christian' morals. Strong language?  Yes, it is, but you get my point. I agree that some games, especially GTA 5, aren't suitable for young children; accordingly, games ratings are displayed on game covers as notification for the potential buyer and/or involved parent.  Despite the negative light they are portrayed in, for the average responsible gamer, an immersive video game is a great stress reliever after a long workday.  

Lighthouse at Dusk

I no longer consider myself a casual gamer, and relish the confidence that allows me to pick up any game I choose and play it successfully.  While there are those who like to insist that gaming is a time waster, perhaps I might feel the same about someone who is an avid sports fan - it's not my thing, but to each his own, right?  For me, playing video games is a very gratifying hobby and at the core of many positive family memories. Additionally, the confidence and growth I've developed IVL mirrors the growth I've witnessed in my personal life; I can't wait to experience what happens next!

Stay tuned, Ladies and Gentlemen, this journey has just begun...

Rika

Epic GTA 5 Stunt Montages

Copter Pro - Charles' character outside my Apartment Window

What Dreams are Made Of

Love....What does it mean to you?
Is it the prepackaged type that you see in movies or read about in romance novels - or the kind that volunteers to stay up late with a sick child so your partner can get some rest?
Does it involve dinners by candlelight and rose petals scattered across the floor leading to a steamy bubble bath - or the kind that cleans up a dirty kitchen so your partner can relax on the couch after a long workday?
Does it mean enduring mediocrity on a regular basis, but gladly accepting special occasion gifts given out of obligation or guilt - or does it mean making a special late night trip to the grocery store on a weeknight, just to get your partner their favorite ice cream? 

Is your love the kind that's supportive of your partner's self-fulfillment, as long as your own identity isn't threatened - or the kind that promotes their personal growth even if it means they may outgrow you?
Does it subscribe to 'working it out' unless you are too tired to talk - or the kind that understands the loss of sleep is a small price to pay for reaching an understanding?

Does your version of love avoid conflict because you'd rather not 'upset anyone' - or is honest enough to call bullshi* on unacceptable behavior?
Does it allow those you love to possess ideals that differ from your own? Does it say "Follow your heart." "Be true to who you are.", and mean it?

Love is personal and is best proven by the substance, commitment and demonstration of the participants' hearts.  

Real Love.  What's your definition?

**A special thanks to Charles and Marie, who challenge me to bring my personal best at all times, and add their vibrancy and color to my own. Your hearts are genuine and prove every single day what real love is.  
You're the best life partners this little girl could have ever dreamed up. <333

Rika

An Open Letter to Charles

Editors note:  In our poly-fidelitous relationship, daily emails between Charles, Marie and I are a standard part of our workday.  Not only does it keep everyone in the loop regarding schedule updates, but we also recap the previous day's events - giving our favorite moments and expressing appreciation for kindnesses shown.  I'm very sentimental and save every one, bringing my inbox count to around 4,000 emails over the last few years!  Below is a letter I wrote to Charles recently, summarizing the many positive ways he has impacted my life:

Dear Charles,

A chance meeting. A promise of More. A life-changing decision.

A heartfelt “Thank You”…..

It’s been almost 4 years since our paths crossed; I’ve never once regretted the choice to give you my heart for safe-keeping, because you diligently seek to earn and protect that trust.  Every Day.

You’ve kept every one of your promises to me from Day One.

You’re my best friend - the kind who took time to get to know the real me; who recognized the value in what others were unable to see.  Who taught me to let go of shadows that were hindering my growth and helped me learn to communicate honestly, based on fact rather than emotion.  Who encouraged me to explore what interests me and form my own beliefs, voice my own opinions.  Who speaks the truth and holds me accountable for my actions.

You've proven that the good guy does win the girl, in this case, girls. ^ . ^

Not by being an egotistical jerk who plays the role of 'king of the castle'.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  For those of us who live with you everyday - you've proven you're both a sweetheart and a gentleman, who consistently demonstrates unselfishness and treats us with respect.

There is nothing generic about your love – romantic and tender, fierce and relentless, but always solid and real, the kind a girl can believe in.  You make a point of finding new and creative ways to express customized care, not only to myself, but to Marie and the boys. The proof that it works is evident in the way Marie’s eyes shine as she showers affection on you; how the boys take every opportunity to engage you in conversation and play; heck, even our crazy little cat even follows you around the house! 

Our relationship has flourished - not because we’re perfect and never disagree, but because we keep communication open and address conflicts immediately.  This method of resolving concern is a direct result of your guidance, and I am firmly convinced it is a key ingredient in our continued success.

The joy we experience has not been without its obstacles.  Our families have raised concerns to our relationship, which is understandable; however, their refusal to recognize us as a family unit combined with their reticence for reasonable discussion has been challenging. 

The resulting rift has been painful for everyone involved.  Yet, when it would have been easier to give in or walk away, you’ve continued to Stand for Love, seeking healing and restoration through countless emails and writings. When your attempts to initiate a dialogue have been greeted with accusations or silence, you haven’t reacted in anger. Instead, you've continued to reach out in love, gently reminding me to never give up. Your tireless efforts at reconciliation speak volumes about the sincerity of your heart. Where others may have failed, you’ve proven how real love can be. You stand head and shoulders above the rest, earning my respect and commitment for a lifetime.

Rika <3

Right Down the Line - Gerry Rafferty 

Lyrics to 'Right Down the Line'

You know I need your love, you got that hold over me
Long as I got your love, you know that I'll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life, I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you, woman, right down the line

I know how much I lean on you, only you can see
Changes that I've been through have left their mark on me
You've been as constant as a northern star, the brightest light that shines
It's been you, woman, right down the line

I just wanna say this is my way
Of telling you everything I could never say before
Yeah, this is my way
Of telling you that every day I'm loving you so much more

'Cause you believed in me through my darkest night
Put something better inside of me, you brought me into the light
Threw away all those crazy dreams, I put them all behind
And it was you, woman, right down the line

I just wanna say this is my way
Of telling you everything I could never say before
Yeah, this is my way
Of telling you that every day I'm loving you so much more

If I should doubt myself, if I'm losing ground
I won't turn to someone else, they'd only let me down
When I wanted you to share my life, I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you, woman, right down the line

What's Your Super Power?

In our daily conversations, Charles and I often engage one another in dreamy philosophical games, the way nerdy kids might debate the nuances of Star Wars vs Star Trek. Often, these chats are overtures for a much deeper dialogue... but we express them in ways which are playful. Even controversial subjects need not always be such grim fare. 

Recently, he posed an insightful query to me in the form of an age old fanboy favorite: Which Super Power would you have? While the discussion was lively and brief, it did spark some rather interesting observations. I thought I'd share that with you, below. 

Read the question and qualifiers, and answer as truthfully as you dare. Once you've done so - read below the LINE OF TRUTH to reveal what your chosen super power may mean about your secret identity. 

Fun and Fascinating stuff! 

Enjoy,
-Rika

A simple question about imaginary and complex things.

- Which super power would you chose: Invisibility or Flight?

Consider carefully which you would prefer, as it will be your only superpower.

Some clarifications to consider:

• Invisibility only pertains to your body and your clothes, not things you pick up. Nor does it make you super silent, super strong or otherwise impervious to detection.
• Flight would be capped at speeds up to 200mph, with heights limited to the breathable atmosphere. You are not rendered impervious to cold, wind or damage from collisions.

This is all the information I can provide.  Now… make your decision.

Which would you choose? 

Why? -- what would you do with your ability? 

Think about it if you must, but answer simply.  No more than a line or two.

Once you've prepared your answer -- continue on to the section below. 

Here’s what it could all mean:

The options for Flight and Invisibility touch a nerve in the Human spirit. They speak to two very different primal desires and personality types.

One is about something obvious, while the other is about being hidden. Thus… some might say that they indicate your level of shame.

Flight has nothing to hide – while invisibility is all about guile. Wanting to be invisible means you are a more guileful person, while flight is guileless.

Flight is the choice of the Hero Archetype: selfless, confident and unashamed.

And therefore invisibility --  becomes the cloak of a would-be Villain. It is the sneakier power…. calculating and crouching in order to obfuscate, manipulate or infringe.

Flight represents a desire to see all of a situation. To know more and have the option to act upon what is detected.

Invisibility however, is clearly about remaining undetected, while being able to see others. That demonstrates a desire to place others at a disadvantage… while capitalizing on their vulnerability. Or at the very least, to hide yourself for fear of being revealed.

In the end, however – neither is truly definitive of a person in real life.  This isn’t a clear-cut situation of What kind of person flies vs. What kind of person fades.

Truth is - - we all do both. Of course we do.

So then, perhaps the true dilemma is revealed in this closing query: 

Given the choice, which is your inclination – the person you truly wish you could be?  Or … the person you fear you truly are?

- C.D. 

Inspired by the broadcast This American Life. “ Super Powers “ aired Oct 20 2013

The Inside Scoop

Imagine you were accused of something but never given the chance to defend yourself.  After hurling illogical and unfounded insults, your accusers hid in the shadows and refused any attempts for mediation.  Furthermore, your efforts to promote harmony and peace were seen as manipulative, simply because of the way you eloquently presented your perspective.

In my previous postings, I’ve presented an accurate picture of our thriving poly home life.  Although we’ve found remarkable joy in the cohesive family unit we’ve worked so diligently to build, there has also been steady opposition from family members who would rather tear us apart than rejoice with us in our growing happiness.  Many invitations have been extended for them to visit our home to get a balanced perspective of how things work, yet instead they have chosen to raise objections that have no basis in truth, since they are on the outside looking in.  They need only step inside to witness first-hand the actual reality of our loving home environment. 

As you can see by the links I’ve included in this and previous entries, Charles and I have diligently attempted to keep the doors of communication open in order to bring healing and restoration to our families.  Throughout our writings you will consistently see disclaimers along these lines: We understand our lifestyle is not the social norm, and under no circumstances should be entered into lightly or irresponsibly.  We freely acknowledge it’s not for everyone; however, our solid history speaks volumes on how it unquestionably works well for us.  

This rational approach to help our families understand our perspective has unfortunately been perceived as manipulation.  To date, the 75 combined entries we've posted in the last ten months are not our only efforts; additionally, there have been emails and phone calls initiated over the last 3 ½ years. The responses to these attempts have been minimal and met with a rigid unwillingness for further discussion.  Our message has been consistent – we simply offer More love, more kindness and more resource.

In the face of irrefutable logic, however, our families keep side-stepping with ever-changing reasons for their objections. The initial reactions of “This is just a phase.”,  “Rika will tear the family apart.”, “You’re being manipulated." , "You don’t know your own mind.”, “You’re going straight to he** and taking them with you.” - have been eroded to “I just don’t like it.", "I don't agree with it.”, and recently have fallen into complete silence.

Charles and I aren’t the only ones involved in promoting healing - both Marie and the boys have been supportive of our efforts, allowing us the time needed to devote to our writing. In fact, it seems the more effort we waste in trying to work with them, the more unified we become!  It hasn’t been easy to deal with their negativity. In fact, at moments we've questioned if reaching out to them is worth the investment of our goodwill, when we have so many other positive things to focus on - yet we continue to do the right thing and be ambassadors for peace. 

Charles in particular is tireless in his efforts. In the midst of the rejection and pain we have experienced, he has not cowered in the face of opposition.  He has not resorted to the negativity that has become the sole characteristic of objections to our family structure. Instead, he displays humble consistency as he demonstrates the very essence of what love should be.  A magnanimous and loving spirit speaks positively and clearly.  I couldn’t be prouder of the man I fell in love with.  His character continues to win my heart - and has unequivocally earned my loyalty – for a lifetime.

HVZEL - Killer **

**Despite the name, this is a beautiful song.  Charles played it for me immediately after we exchanged commitment vows.**

Our message will always be one of More. A message of hope does not require unconditional surrender, only the fortitude to do the right thing.

In the meantime, be assured that our lives continue to reap the abundant rewards of a life well-lived. 

Rika

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
- Theodore Roosevelt (Man in the Arena speech 1910)

“He who takes offense when offense was not intended is a fool, yet he who takes offense when offense IS intended is an even greater fool, for he has succumbed to the will of his adversary.” – Brigham Young